


It's a long way down (from rock bottom)

by AutisticMob



Series: IALWD(FRB) [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aromantic, Arospec Characters, Arospec author, Band Fic, Biracial Character, Character(s) of Color, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Gay, Family Bonding, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, LGBTQ Character of Color, Mental Health Issues, Music, Muslim Character, NOT FOR PORN, No Underage Sex, Nonbinary Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Character of Color, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, Trans, Transgender, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23471878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticMob/pseuds/AutisticMob
Summary: Gon Freecss, amateur keyboardist and singer, has a dream.He wants to be in a band with his older brother—full-time medical student, electric guitarist, and singer Leorio Paladiknight—in hopes that he'll one day earn the approval of his father, legendary musician Ging Freecss.Still, two is hardly a band. One day, when performing in a local park, Leorio and Gon meet the mysterious Killua Zoldyck, heir to the multi-billion dollar company Zoldyck Enterprises, who turns both of their lives upside-down when he requests to form a band with them as their drummer.As their three-person band slowly gains popularity, their goal changes yet again after accepting their fourth and final member, a nonbinary and outspokenly Jewish hobbyist bass player named Kurapika, whose ultimate goal is to defeat the band who ruined zir life.The only problem is that the band in question is the infamous metal group 'The Phantom Troupe', all of whom have spent their entire musical career covering up their darkest and most scandalous secret, revolving around thetruesource of their so-called 'musical inspiration'.Together, the four of them aim for the stardom necessary to help each of them achieve their dreams.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Leorio Paladiknight, Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck
Series: IALWD(FRB) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1688554
Comments: 19
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I've been working on this fic for months and am happy to finally post the first chapter! Thanks so much for all the hits, kudos, and kind comments on my work. I hope you'll stay for the ride, it's going to be long, intense, and emotional, so buckle in.
> 
> Also a note on the tags. Some of them are general and apply to later chapters. In addition, every chapter will have content warnings beforehand (if any apply).
> 
> Ship and character tags will be added as needed.
> 
> Special thanks to Dante (kunikidazai) for helping me with brainstorming and fleshing out ideas. I couldn’t have done it without them and their constant, unwavering support and feedback!

Gon looked up at the wall-mounted clock as he sat on Leorio’s old, faded couch. The orange light of a dying sunset filtered in through the gaps in the blinds, drawing sharp lines of light across his umber skin. He kicked his feet against the bottom of the couch as he gazed around the room, the dull drone of the TV fading into background noise as he zoned out. His homework sat sprawled half-completed on the coffee table. 

Math made Gon’s brain hurt, and Leorio was much better at it than he was, so he’d ask him for help when he got home.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, giving him a start. He produced it from his shorts pocket and looked down at the screen, rubbing at his eyes. A white reminder notification bubble covered Leorio’s face on his lock screen, and Gon was torn from his dissociative haze upon reading the text printed across it.

“Oh no,” he squeaked as he slid off the couch and made his way into the small attached kitchen. The rather ugly robin’s egg blue tiles greeted him like a shitty ex-friend he was just _dying_ to forget. It didn’t help that the kitchen was so damn small, small enough that someone standing in the doorway to the apartment could look into it. 

Gon hummed to himself as he removed a pot from the cabinet and set it on the stove with a loud clatter, wincing at the sudden noise invading his ears. He poured a few cups of water from the sink into it, filling the pot until it seemed full enough before flipping on the gas. 

He returned to the tiny living room and flopped down on the couch with a sigh. Leorio had asked him to make dinner, and he’d have forgotten were it not for his trusty phone alarm. Despite being just 12 years old, Leorio had entrusted him with a phone after he’d almost been kidnapped whilst walking alone in town. At the time, he’d claimed it was only to be used ‘for emergencies’, but that plan all but went down the drain after a week or so.

After several minutes of impatient waiting that bordered on agonizing for Gon’s ADHD brain, he returned to the kitchen and got a box of spaghetti out of the pantry. He opened the box and poured the entire thing into the pot, watching the noodles become soft as they sank into the bubbling water. He put some sauce and hamburger that Leorio had cooked last night onto the stove. 

Neither of them were great at cooking, but they made it work between making simple, easy-to-make foods and abusing their microwave.

He sat down at the small, two-person kitchen table. They owned four chairs, but two were relegated to the closet for good since there were never any guests at the apartment anyways. Not a moment after he'd gotten comfortable, Gon’s phone made a ‘ding’ noise, like it always did whenever he received a text. 

_‘Hey little bro. I’m gonna be running a little late again tonight, sorry.’_

Leorio. 

Another ding. 

_‘Save some of that spaghetti for me, will you? I have the evening shift tonight’_

A smile found its way to his lips, and he laughed to no one in particular. He propped his cheek against his palm, unlocking his phone. 

_‘sure thing! when will u be home?’_

_‘Probably around midnight. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so you can stay up if you want (-:’_

_‘ur the best!’_

Gon’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much, and he climbed down from his chair to take the spaghetti off the heat. He couldn’t say that lifting the pot filled with boiling water was easy, but he managed to pour it into the strainer with nothing but a few casualties in the form of stray noodles clinging to the side of the sink. 

Satisfied with what he’d done, he turned off the stove and fixed himself a plate. He carried it to the small dining table, the faded wood stained with cup rings and a large circular black mark where Leorio had set a pan after it had caught on fire, not having realized that the bottom was hot enough to burn the table as well. 

He laughed at the memory, as fresh in his mind as though it had happened just yesterday. 

Even despite what felt like a lifetime of good memories that he’d made with Leorio, eating dinner alone never failed to put a dent in Gon’s mood, no matter how small. He still wasn’t used to it after more than two years. On those rare days when he and Leorio _did_ get to eat dinner together, he always seemed to be in a rush to get to one of his shifts. 

Gon stared out the small window that looked out over the city. It wasn’t a great view, considering the apartment complex next door blocked out about three-quarters of the cityscape; all he could do was watch the cars rush past on the sliver of road that was visible from where he sat. 

It was hard to say he didn’t miss eating dinner with Mito and her mother every night. The three of them gathered around the table every night to share a delicious, warm, home-cooked meal. He no longer had that, living with Leorio and all. 

He decided to text Mito and tell her how much he missed her and the food she made. 

‘kia ora1! _i miss you...and your food lol’_

_miss you too. Come and see me soon and I’ll cook for you!’_

_‘money is kind of tight rn...sorry’_

_‘That’s okay sweetie, I get it! Love you!’_

_‘love you too’_

‘Hei konā2, _Gon_ ’

‘hei konā!’

Gon smiled, but a twinge of homesickness tugged at his heart. Life in the city wasn’t bad, but nothing beat the warm sun, salty air, and soft melody of the waves crashing against the shore on Whale Island. He missed the nights he would lay in the grass outside his home, looking up at the countless stars that dotted the sky like diamonds, billions of miles away. He couldn’t see the stars from the city at all. Even if he could, the constellations would be unfamiliar. Something about that thought filled him with a strange emptiness, and he looked forward to the next time he could return to Whale Island. Maybe he’d get lucky enough to have Leorio take him for Christmas, despite Gon not celebrating the holiday.

  


* * *

  


After he finished his meal, he put the leftovers in the fridge and washed the dishes. The last thing Gon wanted was for Leorio to come home to a huge mess and get stressed out even further. 

Once the dishes were done and he’d changed into his pajamas, he returned to the couch for the third time. He wasn’t tired at all, so he decided to curl up and watch a movie. 

Gon decided on the movie ‘Ponyo on the Cliff’, pulling the blanket from off the top of the couch and wrapping it around himself. As the movie played, exhaustion seeped into his body like cold water, creeping into even his bones. 

He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he struggled to keep his now-heavy eyelids open. Sleep was so tantalizing, but his desire to stay up fought back. It managed to fend off exhaustion’s iron grip for thirty more minutes before he closed his eyes, promising himself that he wouldn’t fall asleep, that he was only going to close his eyes for a few minutes. 

That was a complete lie.

  


* * *

  


Leorio sighed as he made his way towards his shitty old 2000 Toyota Avalon, parked beside another equally mundane car that belonged to one of his fellow minimum wage corporate slaves. A cool, mid-April wind nipped at his skin as he got into his car, eager to listen to some of his tapes after a long day. 

As he pulled out of the small employee lot, he couldn’t keep a defeated smile from drawing itself across his face as he put in a tape of _Queen_ ’s _A Night at the Opera_. Freddie’s glorious voice always seemed to lift his spirits. 

The drive back to his apartment was as uneventful as always. At ten ‘til midnight, the roads were near barren, and Leorio was grateful that he lived in a section of the city with almost no nightlife. 

As he drove, he thought about his little brother Gon. A multitude of questions ran through his mind. Was he asleep? Was he safe? Did he get enough to eat? If he was awake, what was he doing? 

The memory of when Gon had almost been kidnapped trickled back into his consciousness, and terror’s icy claws dug into his chest. A cold sweat formed on the back of his neck, and he couldn’t help but imagine his little brother sneaking out and creeping down the complex’s creaky metal staircase, disappearing into the inky black maw of the night, only to turn up missing on the news the next morning. 

He reminded himself to relax, that Gon swore he wouldn’t ever go out without Leorio again, and he never went back on his word. It only took him one mistake to learn something for the rest of his life. 

Leorio pulled into the dull gray monotony of the parking garage across from the complex, collecting his bag from the back seat and making his way towards the exit. From where he stood on the sidewalk, he could see the complex just down the street.

Above him, ill-maintained street lamps flickered their ugly green light down onto the cracked sidewalk, lighting his path all the way down to the outside of the apartment. 

He ascended the stairs all the way up to the fourth floor, breathing a sigh of relief when he stopped in front of 403 and saw light trickling out from beneath the door. Leorio produced his key from his pocket and unlocked the door, pleased but not surprised to find it still locked. 

“Hey Go—”

What he saw before him softened his heart. Gon lay curled up asleep on the couch, enveloped by a fluffy blanket. He shifted a bit, but otherwise his slumber remained undisturbed despite the noise.

Cute, Leorio thought. Gon’s expression was one of complete tranquility, and Leorio made sure to close the door gently as he stepped inside, as to not disturb his precious brother. 

After taking off his shoes and putting his bag beside the coffee table, he entered the apartment’s single bedroom and undressed, opting for nothing but a pair of shorts with cats on them. Afterwards, he returned to the living room and turned off the light that Gon had left on in the kitchen, as well as the TV.

With bated breath, he lifted Gon from the couch and held him close. He stirred but didn’t awaken, and he carried him into the bedroom and placed him on the mattress he slept on. 

When Leorio had first rented the apartment, there was one bed. He hadn’t planned on adopting Gon, or he would’ve opted for a two bedroom apartment. After having bought a mattress for himself—he’d planned to let Gon sleep in the bed from then on—Gon told Leorio that he wasn’t going to sleep in the bed, and that he wouldn’t sleep unless it was on the mattress. 

Of course, Leorio asked him time and time again if he was sure, and Gon didn’t budge. To compensate, Leorio bought one of those foam mattress toppers and some soft, fluffy blankets and pillows for Gon.

He chuckled at the memory as he carried Gon into the bedroom, tucking in his little brother. A cute, peaceful smile pulled at his lips, and Leorio climbed into his own bed, removing his glasses. His body ached with exhaustion from a long and difficult day of work and classes, and his eyelids felt heavy. The thought of sleeping in and having an entire day off filled him with relief, and a content sigh fell from his lips as he closed his eyes.

  


* * *

  


Gon awoke to a patch of morning sunlight pouring over his face and body. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes with balled fists, glancing over at Leorio. Sleep retained its tight hold on him despite the fact that one of his legs protruded from under the blanket, and he’d tossed one of his pillows onto the floor in the night. 

Unsurprising, Gon thought, and laughed to himself. 

He crawled out of bed and crept into the en suite bathroom, saying his silent morning prayer as he brushed his teeth and styled his hair. After he washed the last of the hair gel from his hands, he exited the bedroom and went into the kitchen. 

Outside, the world had long since stirred to life. Cars zipped past on the road below, people walked the streets, and fat white clouds inched across the sky above. 

With newfound skip in his step, he produced a pan from the cabinet and placed it on the stove, retrieving the half-empty carton of eggs from the fridge. He cracked the leftover eggs into the pan, cringing a bit at the small pieces of shell that followed the golden yolks down into it. 

After doing his best to remove the bits of shell using a spoon, he turned on the stove and added a small bit of water to the eggs as he scrambled them. 

Gon hummed to himself as he watched the eggs become fluffy. Scrambled eggs were one of the few breakfast foods he remembered how to make after having left Whale Island. Between pauses to stir the eggs, he slid two slices of toast into the toaster. 

He drummed out invisible notes on his keyboard against the edge of the stove, an unheard rhythm flowing through him as if it were his life energy. The tune in his head swept him up in a dance across the tiled floor, pretending to rock out on a stage that didn’t exist.

So of course, the sound of the toast popping out of the toaster almost made him jump out of his skin, a surprised squeak unwittingly leaving his mouth. He darted over to the toaster, hovering over it like a fidgety hummingbird and grabbing a plate for the toast from the cabinet. 

As the eggs finished cooking, he prepared another round of toast for himself, since Leorio liked his barely toasted.

What a weirdo. Hard to believe they were brothers. 

At least he and Leorio both liked eggs, and he scooped a big portion onto both of the plates. 

As if on cue, the door to the bedroom opened, and Leorio stepped out. He stretched and yawned, scratching at his stomach under his oversized T-shirt. 

He muttered, “mmm...g’morning, little bro.”

“Morning!”

Leorio smiled and pushed his glasses further up his nose, sleep still weighing heavy on his eyelids. “Did’ja make breakfast?”

Gon nodded and gave a hum of approval. “Toast and eggs!”

“You’re amazing! Thanks little buddy.” Leorio entered the kitchen and got two cups from the cabinet. “What do you wanna drink?”

“Orange juice please!”

Leorio winked and flashed finger guns. “Sure thing!”

Gon laughed, shaking his head as he carried the plates to the table. Leorio brought over the drinks and silverware as well as napkins, and the synergy between them made Gon’s smile widen. 

“We make a good team!” Gon chirped as he sat down at his place.

Leorio pulled out his chair, “I couldn’t agree more.” He watched as Gon closed his eyes, placing his small hands on the table with his palms facing up. His otherwise fidgety body stilled as he fell into a wordless prayer.

Peacefulness came over him like a wave, radiating out from his chest and into the rest of his body. As he exhaled a deep breath, Gon’s eyes fluttered back open and he dug into his food, side-eyeing Leorio as he piled one of the slices of toast high with eggs.

“You’re weird.”

Leorio gasped, clutching at his chest in an exaggerated fashion, as if his entire bloodline had just been insulted. “How dare you!” He jabbed the air in Gon’s direction with his finger, “ _You’re_ weird,” he retorted through a mouthful of egg sandwich. 

Gon laughed, “says the guy who’s eating scrambled eggs on toast.”

“Hmm...well, if I’m weird, and you’re my little brother…” Leorio’s eyes narrowed and a devious smirk drew itself across his face.

Gon paused for a second to ponder the implication of what Leorio had just said before everything clicked into place. “Hey!”

Leorio chuckled as he rose from his seat and carried his plate to the sink. “You want more?”

Gon shook his head, finishing off his orange juice and bringing his dishes to Leorio. 

“Thanks,” Leorio took them and placed them into the sink, “I’ll wash them later. We’re gonna hang out today, after all!” 

“Can you help me with my math homework first?” Gon asked. He’d already made his way into the living room, planting himself on the old couch.

The sound of running water broke the silence as Leorio washed his hands. “Sure. What math are you doing? I only remember a little bit of calculus.”

“Calculus?”

A sigh of relief. He and his mortal enemy would not be forced to meet again, although the encounter had been close.

“It’s...um...the equations with the letters in it.” Gon scratched his head.

“Oh,” Leorio wiped his hands on his sweatpants as he sat down beside Gon and cocked his head to get a better look at it. “Algebra, then.”

Gon nodded, “yeah, but letters and numbers in the same equation make my head feel funny...it’s so frustrating, and my teachers are no help.”

“I know,” Leorio patted him on the back, “it’s hard when you have ADHD, but you can do it. You’re a really intelligent young boy. Remember all those frog facts you told me the other night?”

Gon propped his cheek against the palm of his hand, “that’s different. Frog facts are fun. Math is stupid.”

A sharp thread of sadness pulled at Leorio’s heart, and he wanted nothing more than to pull Gon into a hug and tell him that everything would be okay. Anger rose like a hungry flame in his chest, sending its heat into his face.

It shouldn’t be like that. Gon shouldn’t have to struggle with his classes and studies. 

“Big brother?” 

“Hm?”

Gon looked up at him, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Anyways, let’s start with this first problem. I’ll walk you through it.”

A bright smile crossed his face, and he beamed as brightly as the sun, amber eyes shining.

  


* * *

  


“I understand it perfectly now! Thanks so much.” Gon leaned over to give Leorio a side hug. He was kind of sweaty, but he didn’t mind.

Leorio grinned. “No problem. I’m always happy to help my little bro out with his homework! That’s what older brothers are for!”

“What are we gonna do now?” Gon asked as he kicked his feet against the couch, bouncing in place with fidgety energy.

“Wanna go to the park? We can play our music since it’s a nice day!”

Gon’s eyes sparkled. “Yeah! We had a big crowd last time, huh?”

“It almost felt like being on stage, didn’t it?” 

“I can’t wait to play on stage for real some day…” Gon sighed. He dreamt of it almost every single night, playing his keyboard on an illuminated stage, a cheering, sweaty crowd singing along and shouting adoration. It wouldn’t just be him, of course. Leorio would be right beside him, playing his electric guitar and singing all the songs they’d worked so hard to create together, a tiny piece of each of their souls woven into the lyrics and melody. 

Maybe then Ging would see him. Maybe he wouldn’t want to, but he would have no choice but to acknowledge the talent that he’d by some miracle fostered, passing his passion down like a flaming torch.

Gon wasn’t sure what he’d do if it failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. An informal Maori word that means 'hello'; kind of like 'hi' in English. Back
> 
> 2\. A Maori word that means 'farewell'/'goodbye'. Back
> 
> Gon is from Whale Island, so I feel like he'd be Pacific Islander if he were a real person. He's also half Black, so he's biracial. I’ll include more stuff about my race headcanons in the chapters to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s Chapter 2!! Y’all finally get to meet Killua!
> 
> content warnings are as follows:  
> \- implied incest (committed by Illumi)  
> \- drug use/addiction (underage) followed by a bad trip  
> \- emotional, physical, and sexual abuse implied/referenced  
> \- misgendering (only once in one scene)

Killua stared up into the darkness that crawled around on the ceiling, pierced by a thread of light that leaked in from the hallway, formed by the crack in the door.

It opened, and light flooded into the room.

“Master Killua, your mother requested you come to breakfast.” The voice of Gotoh, one of their butlers, broke the delicate silence.

Killua groaned, turning over in his bed. “Okay, okay, jeez. I’ll get up.”

“She also requested you come fully dressed.”

Another groan.

“Would you like me to turn the light on?”

“Yeah,” Killua huffed.

Gotoh flipped on the light and closed the door, leaving him alone in the empty expanse of his bedroom.

Killua slid out of his bed and onto the floor. He ran a hand through his unkempt white hair, sighing as he shuffled over to his walk-in closet. He knew it was going to be hot outside, but like hell was he going out in anything that wasn’t ill-fitting enough to disguise the body he hated.

He settled on a T-shirt, oversized blue hoodie, and grey sweatpants. It didn’t matter if his mom chewed him out over it.

After getting dressed, he made himself look at least a little presentable and headed to the dining room downstairs. As he did so, he passed the in-home theater room, where his brother was seated in one of the leather reclining chairs and watching some horrible, generic _ecchi_ anime. 

Nothing like a face full of questionably-aged anime girl boobs in your face to wake you up in the morning. Killua cringed at how slimy Milluki was, but managed to keep walking.

As he entered the dining room, he felt his mother’s sharp, annoying gaze boring into him. Killua swore that the woman believed she could shoot lasers out of her eyes if she just glared enough. 

“Good morning,” Silva greeted; its coldness almost made him shudder.

Still, his father’s attitude was nothing in the face of sitting next to Illumi every morning as he ate. It was as if his entire family was conspiring to torment him, hell-bent on making every second of his life as miserable as possible.

“Well? Your father said good morning, Kil. Where are your manners? That’s no way for a young heir to act,” his mother scolded. Killua rolled his eyes as he climbed into his seat, Illumi’s malicious aura seeping into his body in a matter of seconds. He felt those soulless, beady black eyes staring at him with insatiable hunger. 

Illumi wasn’t stupid enough to do anything questionable in front of their parents, though.

Unlike Milluki, Illumi filled him with some kind of primal terror. Milluki, despite taking pleasure in physically abusing Killua whenever possible, was a coward. He was nothing but a NEET and a friendless weeaboo who disgraced the Zoldyck name with his pathetic existence. 

Illumi had none of that. He was stronger and smarter than Killua, and it was as though Illumi’s mere existence turned him into a puppet on a string, his mental shackles keeping Killua chained down and dependent on him. 

“Morning,” Killua muttered. 

Kikyo scoffed, shaking her head in disapproval at her son’s behavior. 

Breakfast was as boring as ever. Silence hung like a thick curtain around the table, the tense air sparking with the sounds of silverware clinking against plates. None of the younger siblings dared say anything out of fear, and the older members of the family saw no need for conversation at the table. Kikyo and Silva had beaten it into them that the table was no place for anything but eating.

Illumi put his hand on Killua’s knee under the table, and he shuddered. 

“Kil.”

Killua swallowed thickly. “Yes?” 

Illumi leaned in towards his younger brother, his inky hair pouring over Killua’s shoulder like a river of blackness. His breath came ragged and hot against Killua’s ear, and for a moment, he swore he felt Illumi’s lips brush against the flushed skin. 

“Come to my room after breakfast.” He squeezed Killua’s knee, and his pointed nails dug into the skin covered by his sweatpants. 

Killua nodded and finished his breakfast in silence.

  


* * *

  


The soft din of the butlers cleaning up behind him played as a backdrop to Killua’s ominous trek down the hallway and towards the stairs. Beneath his feet, the old wooden floor creaked. His hike up the steps felt like climbing the steep slope of a mountain, his heart throbbing in his chest so hard that pain shot through his ribcage and down the nerves in his arms.

He stopped in front of the door to Illumi’s massive bedroom and knocked, the horrible rapping rattling the door and piercing through the silence like a spear.

Illumi opened the door and beckoned his little brother inside with a curled finger.

Killua’s throat tightened as he passed through the doorway. 

Illumi’s hand pressed against the small of his back and closed the door behind them. 

“Kil...I have a job for you,” Illumi pressed his hand to Killua’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb. 

“Another…?”

Illumi nodded. “I did them when I was your age, so now I’m passing the torch to you.”

 _‘Gee, thanks’_ , is what he wanted to say. 

“Did Milluki do it?” Is what came out instead, a dry, throaty croak.

Illumi sighed. “That’s neither here nor there.”

He fucking knew it. That useless prick. 

“You’ll do it for me, won’t you?” Illumi asked as he pressed a sealed envelope into Killua’s hand. 

Silence answered him as Killua looked at the envelope. “What’s in it for me?”

Illumi cocked his head, producing a small, clear bag of pills from his pocket and flashing them at Killua. “How long has it been? Two days? You’re probably so eager for it, hm?” He purred, his tone dripping in condescending venom. 

A sharp chill ran down Killua’s spine. “Fuck…”

“I’ll give you a hit of the good stuff if you manage to get 56K for it.”

The air all but vanished from his lungs when Illumi said that. “How the hell am I supposed to get 56K?”

“Use your...feminine charms. I’m sure you know what to do in that kind of situation, hm?”

Discomfort stirred in his gut at his brother’s not-so-subtle mocking of his gender, but the need for another hit of Illumi’s purest stock overrode any logic his brain may have been able to scrounge up. “What if I don’t do it?”

Illumi’s soulless eyes glint beneath the golden chandelier. “You don’t need me to tell you what will happen, Kil.”

He shuddered. “I don’t understand...why send _me_? I’m the next heir. I could get killed or used as a hostage.”

Illumi shrugged again, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “Kalluto will fill the void you leave. You’re replaceable.”

His mouth felt dry. He’d known it all along, and there was no way for him to disprove what Illumi had said. If he died, his younger sibling could take his place. There would be no hole in anyone’s hearts, save for maybe those of his younger twin sisters. 

“Okay.”

A hint of a smile pulled at Illumi’s lips. “Good. One of my guys will meet you tonight at nine. I’ll send you the location over encrypted text. Do whatever you want until then, I don’t care. If you lose it…”

Killua knew Illumi wouldn’t kill him. That would be too merciful. His mind dragged him kicking and screaming down the blackened halls of his memory to years prior, when he was around seven or eight. The edges of his memory were fuzzy, blurring like an old film reel.

He was back in Illumi’s bed, his small body frozen with fear, his blood like ice.

“Kil…” Illumi drew clear liquid from a vial into a syringe. 

There was no use in running. It would serve only to make Illumi more angry.

The needle pierced the tender, pale skin of his arm, pushing into vein running down his arm from his shoulder. Illumi’s face remained expressionless, his black eyes staring into the naked, shivering depth of Killua’s soul.

“This is what happens when you don’t do what I ask.”

He didn’t know how long it lasted. Maybe it was hours, maybe days, maybe only a few minutes. 

Psychological torture didn’t begin to describe the experience. It was as if his body was running overtime just to keep him alive, his heart racing and stomach churning with a nausea that never quite reached his throat. Around him, colors warped and shifted, and the outline of Illumi’s seemingly massive, imposing form standing over him trembled like a mirage. Strange shapes and patterns undulated across everything in his field of vision, and the once-welcoming surface of the bed warped beneath him. 

And then it got so much worse. 

His thoughts became garbled, but raced through his mind like TV static. Illumi’s face dripped blood down onto the blue and green and yellow blanket, turning into a river and then a pool that crept towards him and coated his body. 

Hopelessness was like an ocean, and his thoughts crumbled into nothing.

His hands moved somewhere. Something moved his body. 

All he knew was that he wanted to find something he could kill himself with. It had to end. Maybe if he saw his own blood, he’d come back to reality and it would be over. Maybe it would just be a horrible dream, and he’d wake up in his own bed.

But it continued. 

No end. It would never be over. He was going to die like this. His brain was going to short circuit and he was going to _die_. A thousand emotions surged through him like the final breaths of a dying star, and he swore he could feel time itself slowing to a halt.

And then it ended. That was when everything came full circle regarding the type of person Illumi was. 

He’d never forgotten that.

Illumi could do it again whenever he pleased, and both of them knew it. 

“I understand.”

Illumi nodded, “then what are you still doing in my room?”

Killua turned on his heel and left, almost sprinting for the door to Illumi’s bedroom, sliding the package he had given him into the pocket of his pants. 

Uneasiness had already settled in his bones, and he could feel the usual brain fog creeping in, encroaching like a storm cloud. It was only a matter of hours until he became too exhausted to do anything, and the thought of the sleepless night he’d have to endure if he didn’t deliver the package for Illumi hung over his head, haunting him. Worse yet, a dull pain throbbed in his forehead, giving him no option but to do as Illumi said if he wanted to be rewarded.

No. He was going to get clean and stop relying on Illumi to give him the drugs he needed to function. 

With his hands in his pockets, Killua made his way down the stairs in silence, once again passing Milluki seated in the same spot inside the darkened home theater. He’d progressed to watching flat-out hentai, his breath ragged.

Killua tried pushing the image out of his mind as he made his way towards the basement wine cellar. Apparently, it had been a bomb shelter in its past life, so the reinforced blast doors were left in as a means of airing the cellar out during less than stellar weather.

At the end of the hallway, past the indoor sitting room and one of the two libraries in the house was the fancy wooden door down into said wine cellar. As was the case most days, it had been left unlocked, and Killua went inside and headed down the wooden stairs. The old bomb shelter doors were easy to access standing on one of the fancy chairs that accented the glass and metal tables. It opened with a loud, metallic screech, and Killua hoisted himself over the lip of the door and outside into his massive backyard, closing the doors behind him. They slammed closed with a click of their automatic lock.

He skirted the perimeter of his yard, following the tall black fence that bordered a massive line of trees towards the towering front gate. He opened the gate and made his way down the recently repaved driveway, enjoying the smell of fresh air.

As he walked, the suburban expanse of his rich neighborhood began to disappear. The spacing between houses turned from miles to feet, and that eventually gave way to the complete urban sprawl towards the innermost part of the city. He lifted the hood of his hoodie over his hair in an attempt to obscure his face, assuming he’d probably be recognized as the heir to his father’s massive business, a section of which operated out of this very city.

Still, he couldn’t say it didn’t feel good to blend in with a crowd. In all the rushing hustle and bustle of the busy streets and storefronts, he was simply another person. Nobody saw him as some kind of infallible, godlike being of whom they held expectations so lofty he could never hope to reach them. 

He was allowed to just be a kid, no weight of the world on his shoulders like he had to carry at home. He could be whoever he wanted, trying on personas like masks and doing whatever he pleased, nobody to instruct him how to act ‘proper’ or ‘sophisticated’. 

And what better way to spend a warm spring day than at a park. His neighborhood had one, sure, but he hated it. It felt so...fake, as if even the flowers and the ornate marble statues were made of cheap plastic. He’d never seen so much as a single pigeon there, and being in it made him realize just how lifeless it was. There were no student photographers, no artists kneeling in the grass, no cheap but delicious food carts, no ordinary high school kids kicking around a ball or unknown local bands playing.

It was a façade, just like the rest of his life. 

This was the one time he didn’t have to be that person. 

Unbridled joy swelled in his chest, and he stood at the cracked intersection of crosswalk and shifted his weight between either foot, feeling as though he were a caged bird who’d just been set free. When the crossing light turned on, he ran across the striped section of road and made his way down the sidewalk, the smells of countless restaurants lining the busy streets bombarding his nose, boutiques and small stores a colorful assault on his senses. He glanced around in a frantic attempt to take it all in. Most people of his economic status would’ve seen it as mundane at best, but Killua was nothing short of euphoric. He crossed another street and passed through the section of the city where huge skyscrapers sandwiched the road on both sides. He could see the park from where he stood, and he made his way down the sloped sidewalk towards the massive park in the center of the city.

As he stood on the sidewalk parallel to it, his body trembled.

He wasn’t sure why. 

Withdrawal, maybe? 

He didn’t question it, instead seizing the opportunity to run across when there was no traffic, skidding to a stop when his sneakers landed on the grass. A group of children kicked a soccer ball about, people walked their dogs, couples walked the path hand-in-hand, and there was even a child at play beside the big fountain in the center of the park. Killua’s eyes sparkled with wonder as he took in his surroundings. 

Over the din of the city, the faint sound of live music carried on the air, just barely reaching his ears. 

Was someone doing a performance? 

He made his way deeper inside, walking through a small, narrow section flanked by a belt of trees and into another section of the park. 

He noticed a small crowd had gathered around the two people who were playing the music he’d heard a few moments prior. A tall man with sepia skin and round glasses strummed a black electric guitar and sang into a standing microphone. Beside him, a boy with spiky black hair who looked to be around Killua’s age played the keyboard and sang into a microphone on his keyboard. A bright smile graced his dark umber face, and enjoyment sparkled in his round amber eyes. 

Curious, Killua made his way towards the source of the music, thankful that he blended in seamlessly with the group of people. 

He didn’t recognize the music they were playing, however. 

Did they write their own songs? 

It sounded good. _Really_ good. He couldn’t rule out the possibility that it was just music he’d never heard, but lots of people wrote their own music. 

As the song ended, the boy at the keyboard spoke up, sweaty but still beaming. 

“That was our original song, Just Awake! Big brother and I wrote it together! Thanks for your support everyone!” He called, a slight rasp edging his voice from having to project more than usual. 

“We hope you enjoyed it! If ya did, make sure to subscribe to us on YouTube!” the guy on the guitar said, and the crowd burst into a chorus of cheers and clapping. Killua wondered if they were a local band. He’d never seen any ads for their performances, but that didn’t mean much. 

The crowd thinned out as the duo began putting away all their equipment. 

“Damn. Seems like I only caught the very end,” Killua muttered. 

He waited until most of the crowd had vanished, leaving just a few people standing around and chatting with each other. 

Killua stepped forward, taking a deep breath. “Yo. Great performance. I only saw the end, but the little bit I heard was really good.”

“Oh, thanks! We had a lot of fun, right big bro?” The keyboardist looked up at his older brother. He lifted his keyboard and placed it into the case, assuming the white-haired stranger was just another fan.

He couldn’t have been more wrong, but hindsight was 20/20. 

“We sure did!” The boy’s brother nodded in agreement. 

“You two have a lot of talent. Are you a band?” 

The boy cockd his head. “Nah. Not yet, at least. We just play together for fun.”

“Being in a band sounds pretty fun though,” the boy’s brother added, “my friends and I had one in high school, but we split up after graduation.”

Killua kicked at the grass. “Want to start one?”

The older brother’s expression contorted into one that looked as though Killua had just cursed his entire bloodline. “W-What?! Take it easy, kid! We don’t even know your name!”

“Killua Zoldyck.”

The taller guy’s eyes widen behind the round frames of his glasses. “Zoldyck?! You mean...like… _the_ Zoldyck?”

Killua sighed and folded his arms across his chest. How annoying. “Yes, like the multinational corporation Zoldyck Enterprises,” he huffed with a roll of his eyes.

The kid who seemed to be around Killua’s age spoke up, “that’s cool. I’m Gon! Gon Freecss. I’m the son of Ging Freecss, except nobody believes me when I say that,” Gon laughed sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. 

“Well, I believe you,” he said, extending his hand to Gon.

Gon stepped forward and shook his hand, “nice to meet you, Killua!” He finally got a full view of the boy’s face, previously obscured by his hood. For some reason, he looked just like the type of person Gon expected he was. His white hair was fluffy and unkempt, and a dark flame that contrasted against his pale skin burned in his blue monolid eyes, yet Gon wasn’t scared. 

Killua’s smile dropped as he shot an expectant glance at Gon’s older brother.

He took the hint and sputtered out his name. “L-Leorio Paladiknight. Not related to anyone famous,” he said, “at least that I know of…”

“Is your last name _really_ Paladiknight?” Killua’s eyes narrowed. “That sounds fake.”

Leorio cleared his throat. “That doesn’t matter! Now if you’ll excuse us for just a second!” Leorio grabbed Gon by the shoulders and pulled him away from Killua, turning him as to make forced eye contact. His voice dropped to a harsh whisper.

“Gon, why are you acting so friendly with a Zoldyck? That kid could be the next heir to the company. Between you and me,” he paused and glanced over his shoulder at a bristling Killua, “I heard that the family has connections to the mafia, politicians, hitmen, even the police. He might be trying to trick us.”

Gon looked up at him. “Huh? Hitmen? Big brother, that’s nonsense. He’s a kid, just like me! Why would he want to trick _us_ of all people, and what for?” He asked, folding his arms across his chest. There was no reason behind Leorio’s paranoia, and it wasn’t fair that he wouldn’t at least give Killua a chance. 

“Fine,” Leorio sighed, “Just...be careful. I don’t want you getting mixed up with the wrong people. If you wanna try and befriend him, that’s fine. Just be cautious.”

Gon nodded, “I’ll be careful, I promise.”

“I know. I trust you.” He made a mental note to keep a close eye on Killua if Gon decided to hang out with him. 

“Kind of a weird question, but doesn’t Ging have a daughter? Are you his long lost son or something?” Killua joked. 

Gon shook his head, “I’m transgender. I know that’s kind of hard to believe, but...yeah. Ging doesn’t have a daughter, just me, his son.” 

“Oh. Cool. I’m trans too, sorta. If I had to put a specific label on it, I’d say ‘demiboy’ probably matches best,” Killua said casually, hands in his pockets. 

“You’re trans too?!” Gon’s amber eyes sparkled, and Killua laughed. 

“Hey, don’t forget about me!” Leorio cried, “I started transitioning before either you probably even knew what gender was!”

“Eh? Just how old are you, _grandpa_?” Killua questioned. 

Leorio gasped, “who are you calling grandpa?! I’m only 20!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings are as follows:  
> \- brief drug mention  
> \- PTSD and flashbacks  
> \- references to Killua's abuse  
> \- references to Ging's child neglect

“You’re right, I should respect my trans elders,” Killua retorted, a cat-like, devilish smirk drawn across his face.

Leorio opened his mouth to reply, instead surrendering to Killua’s stupid comment about his age. 

Gon returned his attention to Killua. “Hey, you said earlier that we should start a band. What do you play?”

“Well...nothing right now,” Killua sighed.

Leorio folded his arms across his chest, “what do you mean, nothing?! You were the one who suggested we become a band.”

“My parents would kill me if they found out I want to be a musician. I don’t _want_ to inherit their shitty company. I’ve never wanted that, but neither of my parents care about what I want. It’s always ‘you’re the next heir this’ and ‘you’re the next heir that’. I’m fed up with it!” Killua huffed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. 

Gon’s mouth pressed into a frown. “Seriously? Your parents don’t approve of you following your dream?”

“Yeah. I’ve told them a thousand times that I don’t want to inherit the company, but they don’t listen to me,” he paused, “I’ve wanted to be in a band ever since I was a kid. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance like this again, so…”

He looked up at Leorio with pleading blue eyes. Any of the malice that his glance had held just a few minutes prior had all but vanished, replaced by an innocent sparkle. “Please?”

“Kid...” Leorio rubbed at his temples, sighing. He knelt down in front of Killua, his older brother instinct kicking in. “Listen...I don’t know about the whole band thing. That’s a really big commitment, and I have a busy life.”

Leorio swore the sound of his own heart breaking into a million pieces was audible as disappointment crept onto Killua’s face. His lower lip trembled, and for a moment, Leorio worried that he might burst into tears.

“You’re lucky that I teach music lessons as a second job,” Leorio sighed.

Stars flashed in Killua’s eyes, followed by a huge bright grin. He realized what had just happened and cleared his throat, averting his gaze. “Thanks, Liorio. You’re not so bad.”

“ _Le_ orio!” Leorio corrected. Still, he found it impossible to stay mad at Killua.

“Okay, but you should decide what you want to play. And...as much as I’d like for them to be, my services aren’t free. Gon and I have to eat, after all. I’d assume money is no issue for you though…?” Leorio rose to his feet and looked down at Killua.

Killua nodded. “Money isn’t a problem, yeah. I can easily get my mom to give me money for whatever I want. She’s too much of a dumbass to suspect anything.”

He wasn’t going to say that Illumi also gave him a small cut of the money he made from running drugs. It was small potatoes for someone as rich as their family, but for Killua, it gave him an odd sense of independence. It was _his_ , that he’d made for himself. 

Still, Illumi knew better than to give Killua too much financial breathing room. He allowed his younger brother just enough freedom to have his own way with his money from time to time, but not enough that he would forget Illumi’s ever-present control over every aspect of his life.

“Also, I wanna play drums.”

Leorio’s eyebrows arched, “are you sure? Don’t you wanna start with something easier?”

“Positive. I know what I want,” Killua said.

Gon’s smile never faltered. “Whoa...cool! It totally fits you, Killua!” 

“Eh?! Do you always say embarrassing stuff like that?” Killua mumbled, a soft pink blush creeping into his pale cheeks.

Leorio sighed, “well, I guess it works out either way, since we were headed to the music store anyways. The one downtown.” 

It almost frustrated him how quickly he took another child under his wing. 

“Music store?” Killua questioned.

“Yeah! Big bro and I had an entire hangout planned for today. We came here this morning to play for a bit, then we were gonna go to a bakery down the street where a girl from his college works. After that, we’re going to the music store, since he needs a new strap for his guitar,” Gon explained.

Confusion was plastered across Killua’s face. Was this how families normally acted? Did older brothers act like this?

His headache returned in full force, and the inside of his head felt as though someone was stabbing his brain with hundreds of needles. Was this how it was _supposed_ to be, or were Leorio and Gon just an exception?

He’d never felt so stupid, so utterly fucking clueless, so...ashamed. It overwhelmed his body like a wave, and he swore he might burst at the seams from how much confusion and anger and guilt and sadness gathered in his chest like a flock of predatory birds descending on an unsuspecting animal. His hands trembled, as did his lips, and his eyes stung with the threat of tears.

“Killua?”

Gon’s voice pulled him back to reality. 

Killua shook his head as if trying to dislodge a pesky drop of water from inside his ear. “Huh?”

“Are you okay?” 

“You were staring off into space there for a second,” Leorio added.

Shit.

Killua laughed, offering a nonchalant handwave. “I’m fine.”

“You wanna stick with us?” Leorio questioned.

What? Was Leorio _seriously_ suggesting that Killua hang out with him and Gon? 

“Yeah! If we’re gonna form a band, we should at least become friends!” The eagerness in Gon’s voice was unmistakable. 

But something held Killua back. A voice whispering into his mind like a miasma. 

Not just any voice, Illumi’s. 

It was as if he somehow had access to Killua’s brain, eager to make it so that even Killua’s thoughts wouldn’t be his own. 

‘What if they’re trying to hurt you? What if they just want to use you as a hostage? They know your family is filthy rich.’

Gon and Leorio weren’t like that. They were kind people who were offering for Killua to come with them out of the goodness of their hearts. They had no ulterior motives, surely?

And then Killua remembered his brother’s words. 

_You’re replaceable._

Replaceable. If he was held hostage, he knew his parents wouldn’t come for him. Illumi wouldn’t come for him. There would be no ransom money. Killua knew he’d be tortured or made into some gross old pedophile’s playtoy, and a few weeks later it’d be in the news that some poor sap of a passerby found his body in a ditch.

He could always go home, and for a moment, his legs trembled in anticipation to run. 

But what was there?

What was there to go back to?

Illumi? Illumi who hated him, who manipulated him, who made his life hell for pleasure? His father? His father who let him do what he wanted despite pulling the strings behind Killua’s back, knowing he’d come crawling back in a time of weakness? His mother who nagged and annoyed him and shouted at him over every little thing? Milluki? Milluki who enjoyed hitting him and kicking him and making him watch weird anime porn with characters who were barely older than he was?

Disgusting, all of it.

Bile rose up from his stomach, burning the back of his throat.

He could return to his abusive, loveless home and never try and break out of the shackles his family had put him in. As much as he hated to admit it, he wouldn’t be able to do it alone. 

Or, he could go with Leorio and Gon, and dive headfirst into complete unknown. Anything could happen, bad or good. 

He’d take the risk with the good.

After all, he was replaceable. 

“Okay,” he said coolly, “I’ll hang out with you. It’s not like I have anything better to do anyways.” The package he was carrying for Illumi weighed heavy in his pocket, a constant, nagging reminder that he had to be at the rendezvous point by nine and that he _did_ , in fact, have something better to do. 

“Yay! We should probably take our instruments back to the car first though...I can’t carry this all the way down the block,” Gon said as he lifted his keyboard case. It seemed effortless, but Killua figured that it was heavy. 

Leorio laughed, “yeah, carrying our stuff around would be pretty counterintuitive. Let’s go.”

The three made their way to Leorio’s car, and he opened the trunk. Killua bristled, raising his guard as his heart began to pound. 

“Oh, by the way...I-I have a curfew,” he stammered, the words tumbling from his mouth in a crude defense. He held his breath as he waited for Leorio’s response, watching as Gon lifted his keyboard and placed it in the trunk beside the rest of their music equipment. 

The trunk slammed closed and locked shut with a beep. “Okay. I can call you a taxi or something if you want,” Leorio said. “‘Course, I can also drive ya, but I understand if you don’t want to get in a stranger’s car.”

Leorio offered to call him a taxi?

No, he couldn’t relax. It could still be some kind of plot to kidnap him, he reminded himself. It would be all too easy for a taxi driver to take him to an abandoned warehouse and keep him there until his family offered up the expected ransom money that Killua knew would never come. 

A hand on his shoulder made Killua flinch. 

“Big bro and I are going to the bakery downtown! You’re coming, right?” Gon asked, a sincere smile pressing dimples into his round, brown cheeks. 

“Ah...yeah, sure. Like I said, I got nothin’ better to do…” Killua muttered.

“Okay! Let’s go!”

As the three of them made their way down the block, Gon followed close by Killua, stealing glances at him every so often. Killua noticed, of course, and stared back at him.

“Do you want to ask me something?” Killua questioned. 

Gon let out a sheepish laugh, “no, sorry for staring! I just thought you kinda look like someone I met a long time ago.” 

Curious, Killua raised his eyebrows. “Huh? Do you know someone from my family? I’m the only one with white hair, besides my dad and my grandfather.”

Gon looked confused. “Hm...I don’t think so. I don’t think my dad had any connection with your family either.”

Killua was silent for a moment before speaking. “So... your dad is really Ging Freecss?”

“Yeah! I know it’s kind of hard to believe, and I don’t blame you if you don’t,” Gon said. 

“I don’t know if my dad ever met yours. Probably not. He was never the type of person to be into music,” Killua huffed. 

“I wouldn’t know either. I haven’t met my dad in ten years.”

Killua’s eyes widened in shock, “wait, what?”

“Yeah. It’s been ten years since I last saw him. When I was two, he left me with his cousin Mito, the lady who raised me most of my life.”

Killua’s mouth pressed into a confused frown. “So you and gramps there aren’t related?” He should’ve figured as much when they’d introduced themselves with different names. 

“Hey!” Leorio glared over his shoulder at Killua, who shot him a smug grin. 

“We’re close enough that we may as well be!” Gon ran forward to walk beside Leorio, and Killua matched his stride with ease. 

“Basically, I lived with Mito on Whale Island for a long time. Everything was good for a while, until Mito’s grandma got really sick. She survived, but never fully recovered and Mito had to spend lots of time caring for her. She decided that it would be best to turn over custody to Leorio, who’s been teaching me music lessons for the past few years. We basically saw each other as brothers already anyways, and that’s more or less how we got to where we are now!”

“Oh wow…”

Killua couldn’t even imagine someone caring about him like that.

“Okay, I get to ask you a question now!” Gon chirped. 

Heat crept into Killua’s cheeks, but he conceded. “Fine. But don’t ask anything weird, or else I’m going to punch you.”

“Hmm...how’d you know you wanna do music?”

A normal question.

Killua shrugged, “I dunno. It just felt...right, I guess, like I was being pulled towards it. That, and wanting to rebel against my parents I guess. I always wanted to be part of a punk or rock band, ‘cause I thought it’d make me feel like I was sticking it to them.” Saying it out loud made him realize just how embarrassing it was, and he expected Gon to laugh. 

But he didn’t. 

“That’s cool! I think being a rock band would be awesome, if you’re really serious about the whole band thing.”

“I am serious, but…”

Gon gave him an expectant look. 

Any way Killua looked at it, the chances of ever getting off the ground were slim to none. Despite his parents being well-connected to all sorts of wealthy people in every industry imaginable, that meant nothing to him. It wasn’t like his parents were going to help at all. 

“Nothing, just...I'm serious about it.”

“I’m serious about it too!” Gon replied. 

Killua couldn’t help but smile. It was as though Gon’s determination was contagious. 

It felt good, and for once he didn’t feel like he was stumbling alone in the darkness, grasping aimlessly at a goal that disappeared like smoke between his fingers. 

Maybe this was the start of something beautiful. 

He let himself be hopeful for a few moments, savoring the feeling of having shrugged off the near-constant sinking feeling of dread that had been resting on his shoulders for years. 

“Alright, we’re here!” Leorio’s voice cut through Killua’s short-lived personal celebration. 

“Oh.”

“You sound disappointed,” Leorio said as he opened the door and held it for Gon and Killua. 

“I’m not,” Killua retorted.

Gon darted across the small bakery over to the glass display cases, staring down at the cakes that lined the shelves. 

Killua appeared beside him and did the same. 

“Hey, look,” he elbowed Gon and pointed to a rainbow-themed cake with ‘love is love’ written in fancy cursive font on top. 

“It’s a _gay_ -ke,” Gon said with a cheesy grin, and Killua couldn’t help but laugh.

“I think it’s awesome to see a pride cake, though,” Killua said as he caught his breath after having been winded from his laughing fit. 

Gon nodded, “probably because Ponzu is a lesbian, and this place caters to a lot of queer and trans people.” He pointed to the lady at the register, Ponzu, who was chatting with Leorio.

“How do they know each other?” Killua asked.

“They go to the same university.”

Killua cringed, and Gon glanced at him. “What?”

“I can’t imagine meeting someone from my school in public. All my classmates are a bunch of stuffy, prissy rich kids who love to bicker over whose parents make more money.”

“Do you go to private school?” 

Killua pinched the bridge of his nose, “yeah. It’s almost an hour’s drive away in the next town over though, and everyone there sucks,” he smirked, “I skipped so much class that my mom is pulling me out to homeschool me as soon as this school year ends.”

“Oi, boys.” Leorio waved at Gon and Killua. 

“Hm?”

“Is chocolate cake okay?” 

Gon’s eyes sparkled, “yeah! The chocolate cake here is the best. Are you okay with it, Killua?”

“I don’t care,” he said. “I’m fine with whatever.”

Leorio ordered a slice of chocolate cake and an order of cinnamon puffs, deciding to splurge a little considering Killua was around. He noticed Gon staring as he carried the desserts to one of the small, round, glass-top tables in the corner. Gon took a seat at the table, and Killua did the same. 

“Alright,” Leorio placed the desserts on the table. 

Killua picked up one of the forks. “So...how does this work?”

Leorio raised his eyebrows, “what?”

Gon took a bite of the cake and gave a content sigh. It was as delicious as always. 

Embarrassment flooded Killua’s cheeks with heat. “Are we...like...sharing?” It wasn’t something that he did in his household. Everyone ate their own food; taking something from someone else’s plate was considered very rude and immature, and as a result, it was guaranteed to result in some kind of punishment.

“Yeah! Big brother and I always share food,” Gon said as he reached across the table and took one of the cinnamon puffs. 

Confusion marred Killua’s face and he glanced over at Gon, who was smiling ear-to-ear at the delicious sweetness of the cinnamon puff, its soft, airy texture melting into a cinnamon and sugar fusion that wasn’t heavy enough to be overwhelming. 

As if waiting for Gon’s approval, Killua took a small bite of the chocolate cake. 

He’d eaten a lot of fancy desserts in his life, many made by some of the best chefs in the nation, even the world.

But he wasn’t sure if any of it could compare to the delicious, rich, chocolatey flavor of the cake. It wasn’t so much that it was gourmet, just that whoever had made it had passion for their craft. He could almost taste the effort of the hundreds of hours that had accumulated to be able to create such a delicious dessert. 

He’d once heard his grandfather say that effort without passion was meaningless. No matter how much Killua’s parents demanded he work to prepare himself to be the next heir, trying to find passion for such a soulless, exploitative occupation was akin to squeezing blood from a stone. 

He knew what his passion was, and it had nothing to do with furthering the corporate empire his great-great grandfather had established ages ago. 

“Is it good?” Gon asked.

Killua nodded, “it’s delicious, actually.”

“Try this part! It’s so yummy,” he said, pointing to one of the chocolate icing flowers that decorated the top of the cake. 

He took a small bit of the flower as well as the cake, the rich and sweet flavor sparking across his tongue. 

“Here, try one of these too.” Leorio handed Killua one of the cinnamon puffs. 

Killua took a tentative bite, eating the way his parents had always taught him. 

Delicious, just like the cake. He’d never been a huge fan of things that weren’t chocolate, but the perfect ratio of cinnamon to sugar complimented the soft, slightly sweet bread.

After finishing their shared desserts, the trio left the bakery and made their way down the block towards a well-known local music store that sold instruments and accessories. 

“So,” Leorio started, “you’re sure about this, Killua?”

Killua nodded. “I’ve been thinking it over for ages.”

Leorio sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Well...I have a drum set at my music studio, but because I don’t own the instruments there, you’re on your own with buying one. As much as I’d love to buy it for you, I’m not in a financial place for that.”

“It’s fine. Like I said, I have plenty of money, so paying for one isn’t a problem. My only issue is that my parents would kill me if I brought it home. Do you have any space at your place?”

Leorio shook his head, “Gon and I live in a single-bedroom apartment. You can store it at my music studio though.”

“‘Kay.”

The three arrived at the music store and went inside, Killua looking around with eyes wide and sparkling. Gon made a beeline for the drums and motioned Killua over. 

Killua came up to Gon’s side, staring at the shiny assortment of various slick-looking drum sets and accessories. He’d never seen them so close before, and the urge to play overwhelmed him so bad that his hands trembled. 

Or maybe it was just withdrawal. 

Gon grinned. “Aren’t they cool? They fit you so well, Killua!” 

Killua smirked and puffed out his chest. “Yeah, I know! They are cool!”

Leorio had come for the sole purpose of buying a new strap for his guitar, but Gon and Killua seemed to be enjoying their time together, giggling between themselves. 

He smiled to himself and took his time at the cash register chatting up the cute punk cashier girl. 

After he’d scored another number for his contacts list, he called over to Gon and Killua, who pulled themselves away from the drum section with reluctance. 

“Hey, sorry. I just remembered that I need to go to the Azian market. I’m making _num banh chok_ 1 tonight, but we don’t have most of the ingredients, and my paycheck just now got deposited,” Leorio explained. 

Gon bounced up and down, his body buzzing with an eager energy. “Yay! The Azian market is really cool! They have so many yummy snacks there, even if I don’t know what all of them are. You’d love it there, Killua!” 

Killua couldn’t say he’d ever been, as his family’s butlers were the ones who did all the shopping. “I’ve never been.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fun! I’ll show you around too,” Gon said, “big bro and I go a lot, so I know my way around. Just stay by my side and you won’t get lost.”

Heat bloomed beneath Killua’s cheeks, even spreading into his ears. “Huh?! You should really stop saying embarrassing things like that, Gon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. A Khmer (Cambodian) traditional dish. It is made from rice noodles and served with fish gravy and fresh veggies. Back


	4. Chapter 4

After the first one and a half episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, the harsh scent of smoke wafted into the living room. Gon glanced up from the TV and noticed a thin curtain of white smoke hanging in the air, coagulating near the ceiling. 

Leorio burst into a fit of swears, huffing and muttering something in his first language.

Gon jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen.

“What the fuck happened?” Killua asked as he followed behind Gon, waving his hands around to dispel the smoke. He coughed as Gon made his way towards the small window parallel to the table and unlatched it, pushing it open and motioning for Leorio to come over. 

“I fuck—screwed up,” Leorio groaned as he passed Gon and thrusted the pan out the window, coughing as a cloud of smoke rose up into the black night sky. 

“What happened?” Gon asked, trying to look into the pan. 

“Uh...I accidentally burned some of it…” embarrassment drew itself across Leorio’s face, and he didn’t even want to _look_ at Killua. Of course, the one time they’d brought a guest into their house after months, he fucked it up. A guest who was a Zoldyck, nonetheless. Someone who regularly enjoyed meals cooked by people who’d been through years of culinary school. 

“It’s okay. It’s not a big deal. Can you redo it? Killua and I can help if you want!” Gon said, standing on his toes and placing his hand on Leorio’s shoulder. 

Leorio smiled down at him. “Thanks, little bro. You’re the best little brother in the world, you know that? Seriously, I don’t know what I’d do without ya!”

Killua knew that Leorio and Gon had something he didn’t, something all the money on earth couldn’t buy. He could see it in Leorio’s smile and in the way Gon’s eyes lit up whenever Leorio complimented him. 

They had something he didn’t.

“Ah, Killua, you don’t have to help. You’re a guest in our home anyways, so it’d be super rude to ask you to cook.” Leorio told Killua as he pulled Gon into a one-armed side hug. He gave a defeated sigh as he pulled the pan back in, cool evening air filling the dining room along with it. 

Killua drew in a sharp breath. “I want to help!”

Leorio and Gon both looked at him. 

“...if you don’t mind.”

Leorio laughed and shook his head, “it’s no problem. If you really want to help, then I won’t stop you.”

“I should probably warn you I’ve never cooked anything, though.”

“That’s fine. I’m not exactly a chef, as you can tell,” Leorio muttered, gesturing to the pan. 

“Yay! Alright, what do we need to do?” Gon asked, eager as ever. 

Killua couldn’t help but smile, and in that moment, he came a little closer to understanding just what Leorio and Gon had that he’d been missing. 

  


* * *

  


Cooking was fun. It had been the first time Killua had ever cooked anything, and he’d thoroughly enjoyed even the simplest tasks. Leorio had already finished most of the heavy lifting by the time he’d requested Killua and Gon’s help, but that was fine. 

As they sat at the small table, the fragrant and warm smell of _num banh chok_ enveloped him. Leorio sat in silence, gaze fixated on Gon as he wordlessly prayed. 

It wasn’t custom to do any kind of prayer in his house, so Killua, not knowing better, scooped up his chopsticks and broke the silence with his slurping. Leorio’s eyes shifted to him, and heat crept into his cheeks. 

“What?” 

Leorio motioned to Gon, and Killua put down his chopsticks, now thoroughly embarrassed. 

Several moments of uncomfortable silence passed before Gon finished. 

“Okay! Time to eat!” Gon chirped, picking up his chopsticks and taking a mouthful of the delicious curry noodles. 

Leorio ate as he talked with Gon about one of his assignments for class, and Killua remained silent. His parents would scold him whenever he tried to have a conversation at the table. The rules in his house decreed that only his mother, father, Illumi, and Milluki were allowed to start conversations, but any of the younger siblings could answer if they were spoken to. Killua found it nonsensical and brutal, but realized in hindsight that it was but another way of keeping the fucked-up and imbalanced heirarchical power structure intact. 

“Are you okay? You’re quiet,” Leorio said through a mouthful of the meal. 

“I’m fine. My parents don’t really like it when I talk at the table in my house,” Killua explained with a defeated sigh. 

Leorio’s eyes widened in surprise. “Huh? That’s crazy! Our only rule is no phones, but it’s not a meal without a good conversation.”

“Oh, speaking of which...I need to violate the rule for a second. If I’m going to be doing music lessons, we should probably keep in touch somehow. You should both give me your numbers,” Killua said.

Leorio pointed at Killua with his chopsticks. “You won’t get in trouble, right? For...fraternizing with ‘poor people’?”

“No. Besides, I use a burner phone for non-family and non-business related stuff. My family has no clue that it exists, so I’ll be fine.”

“Okay! Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in.” Gon took the phone and entered his number.

Leorio gestured for Gon to give him the phone, using his other hand to mix the curry into the noodles. Gon handed it over, and Leorio added himself as a contact. 

“‘Kay. Here,” he said through a mouthful of noodles, passing the phone back to Killua. 

Killua took the phone and put it in his hoodie pocket. “Cool. I’ll text you later and you can give me the deets on the music lessons and stuff.”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll text you before I go to sleep.”

“Alright.”

Killua watched as Gon downed the last of the noodles, a content sigh falling from his mouth. “Ah, my mouth is so tingly…”

Leorio laughed, “I added extra turmeric. You know I like it spicy!”

“It’s good. I’m surprised,” Killua teased. 

Leorio shot him a playful glare. “Hey, shut up.”

Killua raised his hands defensively. “I helped, remember? It was you who burned the curry the first time around!” 

For some reason, joking around with Leorio felt natural. It felt wholesome, as if he’d known Leorio his entire life. He’d much prefer him as an older brother than Illumi. 

Killua finished his meal at around the same time as Leorio, and Gon rose from his seat. “I can take the dishes!” He picked up his own bowl before reaching for Leorio’s. 

“Thanks buddy. You’re the best!” 

Gon smiled at him and took Killua’s as well, carrying them to the sink and placing them inside it. “Want me to wash them?”

Leorio shook his head, “nah, I’ll do it tomorrow. You and Killua just worry about hanging out, okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. You’ll have plenty of time to do dishes in the future, but the time you get to spend with friends is priceless.”

Killua groaned and got up from his chair, “alright, alright. Enough waxing poetic.”

Leorio huffed and shook his head. “You two can do whatever you want, just try and keep it down. I don’t want us getting another noise complaint. I’m going to go study.”

Gon nodded and went into the living room. He planted himself on the couch as he watched Leorio disappear into the bedroom. 

Killua sat beside Gon. “‘Studying?’ Does he expect us to believe _that_?”

“Huh?” Gon looked at him, and Killua pinched the bridge of his nose.

“N-Nevermind.” 

Gon shrugged, “okay. You wanna continue Fullmetal Alchemist, or do you wanna do something else?”

“I f—king hate y—, K—! Fu—k out of m— a—ment!” A woman’s muffled shouting from the apartment next to theirs penetrated the wall behind them, and Killua’s eyes widened in shock. 

“What the hell?” He glanced over his shoulder as if he’d be able to glare at whoever the perpetrator was. 

Gon sighed, “ugh. Those are our neighbors.” He cringed as a loud thud shook the floor. 

“Do they...always do that?”

“Oh y—?! You f—ing s—, I h— you! Stupid f—king bi—h!” A man’s voice followed, and it sounded as though several items made of porcelain or glass were being thrown around and shattered. 

Gon rubbed his temples. “Yeah. It’s on and off _all_ the time. They’re either arguing or...um...doing it loudly.”

Killua cringed. “Ew.”

“I know. The weird thing is, our other neighbors never complain about them. They’ve lived here since I have and have yet to be kicked out, yet our landlord threatened to evict us because big bro and I played our instruments a few times.”

Killua clicked his tongue, “sounds like racism.”

“I wouldn’t put it past that guy,” Gon muttered, “he’s a scumbag.”

More incoherent shouting interrupted Gon’s train of thought, the wall trembling as something else slammed into it. Second-hand embarrassment filled his cheeks with heat, and he shifted uncomfortably in his spot. 

Killua, like the hero he was, decided to change the topic and did his best to ignore the shouting. “You have a Nintendo Switch?” He said, pointing to the console. 

Gon nodded. “Yeah! You wanna play? We only have a couple games, so there might not be anything you like.”

Killua’s eyes shimmered. “Hell yes. What games do you have?”

“Have you ever played Smash?” Gon asked.

“Mhmm! It’s super fun, but I’ve only ever really played by myself. My older brother likes video games, but he’s a weirdo and doesn’t like me, so we never play together.” Killua told him. 

“Oh. Well, playing with two players is just like playing against the CPU! I can show you if you want!” Gon picked up the remote and handed a set of controllers to Killua. 

Killua smirked, “tch, nah. I’m a pro at video games. You don’t need to teach me anything.”

“Well, if you say so!”

When they got to the character selection menu, Killua looked over at Gon. “Who do you main?”

Gon cocked his head. “Main?”

“Like who do you usually play? Most people have a character they prefer to play as.”

“Kirby, cause I just like him. He’s pink and round and super cute!”

“Kirby is cool. My main is Joker.”

“Who’s that?” Gon asked. 

Killua picked Link on the character selection screen. “He’s a DLC character. He’s from the game _Persona 5_ , the protagonist. I like him cause he’s badass,” he cleared his throat, “and hot.”

Gon’s eyes remained fixated on the old, pixelated TV screen. “You like guys?”

Killua nodded. “Yeah. Do you?” His mouth was dry. He’d already told Gon he was trans, so what was it making his heart throb in his chest? 

“Mhmm. I’m gay.”

Killua breathed a sigh of relief. “I-I’m gay too.”

“Cool. I guess we’re both gay and trans, then! That makes us similar, cause I’m not nonbinary,” Gon smiled. 

“Ahaha, yea…” he’d never told anyone, not even his younger siblings. If he did, Illumi would find out.

Who knew what he’d do. Who knew how he’d change, how much more he’d enjoy tormenting Killua knowing he liked guys, justifying the things he did by saying that surely him doing it would be enjoyable, since he liked other guys so much. 

He shuddered. 

Did Illumi even see him as a boy? 

“Hey, are you okay?” Gon asked. 

Killua sighed. “Fine. Let’s just pick a stage.”

“‘Kay! I don’t care what stage we do, I like all of them.”

“I’ll pick random, then,” Killua said. 

“Alright, but I’m not gonna go easy on you just cause you’re a guest!” Gon laughed, clutching the controller tight as the first match started. 

  


* * *

  


After several intense rounds of Smash with Gon, who was unapologetically terrible at the game, Leorio entered the living room from the bedroom where he’s been studying. 

“Hey boys, sorry to interrupt,” he said, “but I need to know when Killua wants to be taken home.”

Killua’s heart jumped into his throat. Dryness filled his mouth, and a painful rush of adrenaline shot through his body like a hit of some terrible drug. 

_Shit._

“W-What?” Killua murmured, a loud ringing creeping into his ears. Pain spread through his chest like roots from a tree. It weaves itself into the nerves of his lungs, and every agonizing breath burns as he struggles to keep from vomiting. 

The weight in his pocket is heavy and obvious, pressing against the side of his thigh like an incessant hand. He produces his phone and looks at the screen. 

8:55.

“I have to go.” He tosses his controller onto the couch and runs to the door, pulling it open with a squeak of resistance.

“Wait, where are you going?” Gon asked. 

“You should let me drive you. No need to walk home in the dark. Besides, this neighborhood isn’t really safe at night,” Leorio explained. 

Killua shook his head, frantic with anxiety. “No, I have to go _now_.” He ran out down the metal stairs, descending three flights in only a few seconds. 

“Killua, wait!” Gon’s voice called in the distance, but Killua ignored it despite the nagging pain in his chest at leaving so soon and in such an unceremonious fashion. 

As he ran, the sounds of the city at night faded, replaced by nothing but the sound of his shoes thudding against the concrete sidewalk underfoot. His heart pounded against his ribcage, and he almost tripped more than once. As he ran, he thought through the options that were available to him. He could take a taxi, but it’d take too long to hail one given his current circumstance. He wouldn’t make it if he ran, even at top speed. 

Illumi was going to kill him. 

Still, he continued down the street, rushing past the occasional drunk person surrounded by the suffocating scent of alcohol, businessmen heading home after a long day at work, and college-age kids going into town for a night of clubbing before exams. Killua darted down an alleyway, taking shady back roads lined with bars and restaurants and clubs as he made his way towards his destination.

Upon arriving, he scanned the surroundings for any signs of law enforcement. Nothing. Killua entered the unlit alleyway where he was supposed to meet the man Illumi had told him to give the drugs to. He leaned against the graffitied brick wall as he struggled to catch his breath, producing his phone and casting the space around him in a dim blue glow.

9:08.

_Fuck._

His phone vibrated in his sweaty hand, and his stomach dropped upon seeing the contact name. 

Illumi. 

_‘Kil…call me. Now.’_

Killua’s breath caught in his throat as his trembling fingers pressed the ‘call’ button under his brother’s contact name. A single ring pierced the silence before Illumi spoke, his voice dark and serious. 

“Kil.”

“I’m sorry, I...I just got caught up in something.” His voice shook.

Illumi sighed. “Do you really think ‘I’m sorry’ can fix this?”

Bile rose into Killua’s throat. “It’s not that, I…I can fix this, I promise. I’m sorry. Please just give me one more chance.” He _hated_ begging Illumi, but he knew that his older brother relished in it. The pleasure he got listening to his little brother plead bordered on orgasmic, much to Killua’s disgust. 

Illumi ignored him. “Come home. Now. I’ll know if you try and run or hide. You don’t want to make it worse for yourself, right?” 

Killua swallowed thickly, “right.”

“I’ll send a car to pick you up. You’d do best to listen to me, because I’m already going to make sure you never ‘get caught up in something’ again, understand?”

“Yes,” Killua whimpered. 

A breathy moan escaped Illumi’s lips, and Killua shuddered. 

“Mmm...you sound terrified.”

“I—“

“My cute little Kil...why do you make me do this to you? I hate punishing you as much as you hate being punished, you know. Still…”

Illumi’s breath trembled through the receiver along with Killua’s body. “You’ve been a naughty boy, haven’t you?”

Killua squeezed his eyes shut so hard that stars flashed in the blackness of his vision. No response. 

“Kil.”

“R-Right, yeah. I have.”

“You need to learn your place, _Killua_.” An icy chill ran down Killua’s spine at his older brother’s usage of his full name. 

“Anyways, be good and wait out on the street. Just leave the alleyway that you’re in and stand on the sidewalk under the streetlight. One of our butlers will be there to bring you home shortly.”

Killua exited the alley and stepped out onto the sidewalk, standing beneath the flickering, dull orange glow of the streetlight, his free hand in his pocket. 

“Okay. I’m standing on the street like you said,” Killua muttered. 

“Good. See you soon.”

Killua nodded, his mouth dry. “Yeah.”

  


* * *

  


Gon sighed as he leaned against the old couch cushions. “What do you think that was about?” He looked over at Leorio. 

Leorio shrugged, “I dunno. Maybe he has a curfew or something. He seemed really upset, though.”

“At 9 o’clock on a Saturday?” 

“His dad is one of the richest businessmen in the world,” Leorio replied. “He’s probably really busy.”

Gon stared down at the black, cracked screen of his old smartphone. “I hope so.”

Leorio put his hand on Gon’s shoulder, sighing as he closed his heavy anatomy textbook. “Worrying isn’t gonna do any good. I know you’re concerned, but there’s nothing we can do.”

“Should I text him?”

“You can, I guess. He may not answer though.”

Gon nodded and unlocked his phone, sending Killua a quick text message. 

_‘hey. is everything ok? u just ran off like that and big bro and I r worried…’_

He watched the screen for several moments, anxiety building in his gut as he awaited a message from Killua. Anything would do, even just a simple ‘I’m safe’ or something. 

It didn’t come, and Gon’s anxiety began to warp into sadness. What if something really bad happened? What if Killua died?

Anger, a burst of it. Why wasn’t Killua answering his phone? Did he not care? Did he like making Gon anxious? Was he really just toying with him this whole time?

Something hot rolled down his cheek, and he raised his free hand to brush it away, smearing it across his cheek. 

“Little bro?” Leorio’s voice was laced with concern. “Hey, are you crying?”

Gon’s lip trembled. All he could muster was a weak nod as he turned towards Leorio, his body shaking with repressed sobs. 

Leorio’s smile dropped as he pulled Gon into a hug. Gon clutched the fabric of Leorio’s oversized university hoodie as he cried into it, his adoptive older brother holding him close, mumbling words of comfort to him. 

The two remained like that for some time, Gon clinging to Leorio and Leorio hugging him as he offered Gon the verbal comfort he needed, asking no questions and demanding no answers.

Gon liked it that way. Tears of frustration weren’t uncommon, but Leorio was always there for him with open arms, safe and warm. 

Gon liked it that way. 

  


* * *

  


Killua welcomed the darkness of his bedroom as he closed the door behind him with a quiet click. The feeling of Illumi’s hands were still fresh on his body, burning and buzzing and crawling like a million bugs under his skin. 

He ran to the bathroom and vomited. His entire body ached, and the cold tile floor warped and spun beneath him. Exhaustion weighed heavily on his body, and for several moments he wasn’t sure if he’d even be able to get into bed. He considered curling up to sleep on the bath mat in his en suite bathroom, but knew he’d regret it the next morning. 

Killua shakily rose to his feet and looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t know who the person looking back at him was, rubbing his eyes with balled, white-knuckled fists in a vain attempt to chase the drowsiness away. 

Illumi had given him one tablet, which he knew was just enough to stave off the withdrawal Killua was going through, but not enough to keep the symptoms at bay for any length of time. 

Killua had considered grinding it up and injecting it instead, but he would die before he went back to Illumi’s bedroom for a clean needle. 

He puts his mouth under the sink and drinks the metallic-tasting water, staring down at the tablet in his hand. His whole body ached for it, and he knew it’d raise his spirits if he gave in. 

Silently, he cursed Illumi for keeping him under his spell like a puppet on a string, but he knew the situation would get worse before it got better and conceded, swallowing down the tablet as if it were bitter medicine. With shaking hands, he pulled a fluffy maroon hand towel from the stack on the shelf beside the jacuzzi-style bathtub, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He put the towel back and drew a hot bath, his skin still burning. 

He could only hope to scrub the feeling of Illumi’s crawling fingers off his skin. Maybe the hot water would burn it off. Maybe the bubbly, lavender-scented soap would wash away his brother’s sins. 

He could only hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings:  
> \- Kidnapping mention  
> \- Referenced abuse (includes restricting types of food/drinks)  
> \- Classism  
> \- F-slur, but not used pejoratively

Killua had never been in such an amazing place before. All around him, people exchanged words in languages he didn’t understand, and a few he did. Large aisles marked with signs in the universal common language as well as some Azian ones stood before them, people of all kinds passing through and stopping to put something in their cart or examine a product. 

“I’m gonna go pick up the ingredients for dinner. You two can walk around if you want, just don’t leave. I’ll have my phone on, so you can text me if you want me to meet you somewhere,” Leorio said as he looked at the two boys beside him. 

Gon nodded, “okay!”

Leorio chuckled at his little brother’s enthusiasm. “Hey, take this,” he said as he placed a crumpled bill into Gon’s hand.

“Hm?” Gon looked at the money, his eyes widening in surprise, mirrored by his smile. 

750 jenny. 

Gon hugged Leorio, all the while thanking him profusely. “You’re the best brother in the entire world.”

“C’mere,” Leorio laughed, patting Gon on the back. “I could say the same thing about you.”

Killua stared at them, once again in complete disbelief. Nobody was looking at them, so maybe how they acted was normal. 

Sure, he knew his family _wasn’t_ normal, but any sort of frame of reference for what was normal didn’t exist. He had nothing else to compare Gon and Leorio to besides the things he’d seen online, on TV, and the occasional brief interactions between families in the outside world. 

So why did it make him feel so empty? 

Gon let go of Leorio and waved to him as he disappeared down one of the furthest aisles. 

Was what Gon and Leorio had how it should be? He opened his mouth to ask, but Gon turned around and smiled at him. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Gon’s voice was soft and laced with concern. 

Killua nodded, averting his gaze. “Yeah. Like I said, I just kind of have a headache.”

Gon frowned, “maybe eating some snacks will make you feel better. C’mon, I’ll show you where they are! We can race there!” He pointed to one of the aisles in the opposite direction, past several large displays of strange, foreign-looking fruits and vegetables.

The heavy, dark cloud that had settled over Killua’s heart grew further away, and he couldn’t help but smile. “I should warn you that I’m at the top of my class in phys ed.”

“Hehe, you’re on!” Gon smirked as he darted towards the aisle he’d pointed out prior. 

“Hey! No fair!” Killua called, dashing after him. 

Gon arrived in the aisle first, with Killua in close second. He’d almost ran into an old woman shopping and had to apologize, but didn’t stop. 

When he got to the aisle, he paused for a moment to catch his breath, palms pressed against his knees. “You won this time, but only ‘cause you got a head start!”

“Whatever you say!” Gon stuck his tongue out, and Killua ran towards him and flicked him on the forehead. 

“Ow! No fair!”

Killua laughed loudly, “revenge is a dish best served cold, Gon.”

Gon folded his arms across his chest, cheeks puffed out in an exaggerated pout. “Well, I was gonna show you the best candy, but now I won’t!”

“Huh? Don’t be like that! C’mon!” 

Gon snickered, and Killua could tell he was doing his best to hold back his laughter. 

“Okay~! I guess I have to now.” With that, Gon burst into a fit of laughter, clutching at his stomach. 

Killua laughed too, and he smiled so hard that the muscles in his cheeks throbbed with a dull ache. As he looked over the shelves full of colorful foreign candy, an unmistakable package caught his eye. 

“Whoa, they have Chocorobo here!” 

“Choco...robo?” Gon asked. 

Killua gasped, “huh? You don’t know about Chocorobo?!”

Gon shook his head. “What is it?”

“Um, only the best chocolate candy in the world!” He picked up one of the cute, robot-patterned rectangular packages, “plus, it’s got a cool box!”

“Whoa, you’re right! It’s so cute! Big bro gave me 750 Jenny, so I can buy it for you if you want,” Gon suggested. 

“Huh? A-Are you sure? I mean...it’s your money…” 

Gon nodded, “I’m sure! I’m happy to share with you, since you’re my friend and all!”

“Friend…?” 

As shameful as it was to admit, Killua had never had a friend before. His parents had hammered it into him from a young age that friends were of no use to a young businessman-to-be like himself. Any bonds he should happen to form should be for the purpose of networking and furthering the interests of Zoldyck Enterprises. According to his father, having friends who didn’t help the business in some way was nothing but a liability. He’d warned his son about giving away viable assets or passing up on a once-in-a-lifetime deal negotiation for the sake of a friend in a moment of weakness. He’d also claimed that friends did nothing but distract Killua from his studies and ‘family time’. 

If that was the case, Killua wanted to make as many friends as possible. His parents hating it made him want it even more.

“Yeah! We’re friends, aren’t we?” Gon questioned. 

“I...I don’t know. I think…”

Illumi’s voice echoed in his mind, reminding him that he didn’t need friends. Any friend he did make would end up being left behind as the business expanded. 

“That’s okay!” Gon chirped and went back to browsing the aisle.

For some reason, Killua felt like crying. A violent storm of a thousand emotions stirred in his chest, rattling along with every breath that filled his burning lungs. 

“Hey, have you ever had these? They’re really popular at my school!” Gon held up a bottle of _ramune_ 1 soda. 

“Hm? No, my parents don’t really let me drink too many sugary things. They say it’s for my health, apparently I need to ‘watch my weight’,” Killua sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

Gon put a finger to his lips in a shushing motion, a mischievous grin drawing itself across his face. “I’ll buy you one! What flavor do you want?”

Killua scanned the line of different flavored _ramunes_ , colorful bubble letters written in the common language denoting the various yummy fruit flavors. He ended up settling on orange, and Gon chose grape because of his strawberry allergy. 

“Ah...we still have 3.50 left, so I’ll give it back to big bro! Unless you want me to buy you something else?” Gon asked. 

“N-No, I’m fine. Let’s just go look for Leorio. He said he was making something with fish in it, right?”

Gon nodded, “yeah! Let’s go to the meat section.”

Killua gave a hum of agreement, and the two of them started towards the meat aisle.

As expected, Gon and Killua found Leorio standing in front of one of the glass display cases filled with ice, fish sorted neatly by species and cut. He spotted them and waved them down.

“Hey! Killua, Gon! What’d you get?”

Gon showed Leorio the _ramune_ , and Leorio smiled. “Ooh, yummy. Wanna put it in the basket? Killua?”

“Sure.” Killua put his _ramune_ and chocorobo into the basket, and Gon did the same. 

“I have everything I need for dinner tonight, so we can leave if you two are ready.” He gave Gon and Killua an expectant glance. 

“Mhmm! Let’s go home! I’m pretty hungry,” Gon said.

Killua sighed, “I guess I should probably head home then.”

Gon’s smile dropped. “What? Don’t you wanna at least stay for dinner?”

“Huh? Well, I didn’t want to just invite myself. I hate people thinking I’m a stereotypical rich kid with no respect for anyone else,” he said. He didn’t want Leorio and Gon to feel pressured into letting him eat with them, considering their unfortunate financial situation and the fact that Killua had access to gourmet meals every day. 

“Besides,” Killua started, “I don’t want to be the kind of person to get in the way of you two spending time together.”

“I don’t know how bro feels about it, but I want you to hang out. Only if you want, of course.” Gon reassured. 

“Gon’s right. It’d be nice to have you, but no pressure,” Leorio said. 

It was strange, being accepted into someone’s home with open arms. Rejection was a feeling Killua had an intimate relationship with, and for years it was all he knew. 

Were they serious? 

Once again, his mind pulled him back to the worst case scenario. What if this was all just a ruse to kidnap him? What if they’d just pretended to be nice so they could exploit the weakness of a young person eager to be loved and accepted? 

He could go home.

He could go back to the family that forced him onto a path he loathed, back to the people who were desperate to control every aspect of his life, who dangled just enough tantalizing freedom in front of his face to make him reach for it only for it to slip through his fingers like sand.

Crawling back to his abusive family exhausted him, but he knew that they’d set him up for that exact outcome to repeat itself for the rest of his life. 

Or he could gamble with his life. 

Would it matter if he died? Wouldn’t dying be less painful than being locked into a life of abuse and stuck in a job he hated?

“Alright. I’ll eat with you. I don’t have anywhere to be until 9.”

Gon’s smile widened. “Yay!”

“Cool. Let’s go check out, then.” Leorio said. 

After paying for the groceries, Leorio, Gon, and Killua returned to the park where Leorio had left his car. The park was as busy as it had been earlier, with many people sitting on blankets that dotted the green grass of the park, enjoying a meal or a chat or a bottle of wine together.

‘Peaceful’ came to Killua’s mind. It wasn’t at all like the park in his neighborhood, always surrounded by a pompous and overconfident aura that blanketed it like a fog. 

“Killua! You can ride shotgun if you want!” Gon said as Leorio climbed into the driver’s seat. 

He paused, taking a moment to think it over. Riding shotgun would make it much harder to escape if anything went wrong. However, with Gon in the front seat, he could use any kind of weapon hidden up front to subdue Killua whilst Leorio focused on the road. Conversely, riding shotgun made escaping harder, but Leorio would be distracted by driving and thus might allow Killua enough time to open the door, and Gon would have to take at least 2-3 seconds to retrieve a weapon. 

He opted for the back seat. “Nah, I’m fine. You can ride shotgun.”

Gon’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape. “Would you rather sit in the back?”

“Yeah.”

Gon nodded and got into the passenger seat, and Killua climbed into the back, closing the door. An icy cold flooded into his veins as the locks on the doors clicked into the ‘closed’ position, and his heart pounded in his chest so hard he wondered if Leorio and Gon could hear it. 

Killua watched as Leorio glanced over his shoulder and pulled out of the parking spot before turning on the radio. He pushed a tape into the slot on the dashboard, the faded white label stuck to it long since illegible, at least from Killua’s spot in the back. As the tape clicked into place, heavy and melodic riffs of an electric guitar backed by a strong drumline poured out of the car’s old speakers. 

“Is this ‘Yorbian Idiot’?” Gon asked. 

“Mhmm! Glad to see you have the same taste as me, little bro!”

Gon laughed. Leorio loved classic rock, and it made up a large portion of what Gon listened to for that reason. The two of them shared music often, and both knew each other’s tastes well enough that they could recommend music to one another. It was a synchronicity most siblings could only dream of. 

Gon bounced up and down in his seat, dancing along to the snappy rhythm and the singer’s deep, husky voice. Leorio cleared his throat loudly when the singer said ‘faggot’, but Gon still laughed because he knew what was being said regardless. 

Killua sat frozen in fear for most of the ride, hand on the door as Leorio and Gon laughed and danced and sang along to the tape full of classic rock songs.

A small trickle of relief dripped into his mind when Leorio pulled the car into the dim lower floor of a seedy parking garage, the uneasy atmosphere of the large building a stark contrast to the calmness he felt. 

He hadn’t been kidnapped yet, but that didn’t mean he had any plans to let his guard down. He sat in the back seat as Gon and Leorio got out and opened the trunk, removing their instruments.

“Killua!” Gon’s voice was muffled behind the door as he looked in through the window of the back seat. 

“Coming,” he muttered, opening the door and stepping out into the cool air of the parking garage, the smell of gasoline assaulting his nose. 

Gon clenched his teeth as he carried his heavy keyboard case and the shopping bags he’d insisted on carrying down the sloping ramp that led to the bottom floor of the parking garage. “Have you ever been in a parking garage before?”

“I can’t say I have. Whenever my parents want me to go somewhere, I ride in a limo. It’s so stuffy and I hate it.” He gave a dismissive hand wave. 

“Whoa...cool!”

Killua nodded, “I don’t want to sound like I’m stuck up, but I hate how it makes me feel. I just want to be a normal kid, not some one-percenter who gets to ride around in limos and eat gourmet food when some people don’t even have health insurance.”

Gon gave him a confused glance. He didn’t understand how any of that stuff could feel bad, since he’d lived a lower-class lifestyle ever since he was born. He’d swap places with Killua in a heartbeat if it meant Leorio didn’t have to work two jobs just to pay rent.

He glanced away from Killua and noticed Leorio was already at the entrance of the parking garage and waving them down. He ran down the ramp to Leorio, Killua following close behind. 

The three made their way down the street and across the block to the apartment complex. Killua stared at it, sandwiched between another old-looking complex covered in crawling vines and spray paint graffiti. Leorio and Gon carried their instruments and the shopping inside, through a chipped glass door that didn’t lock. They ascended three flights of gray, echoey stairs before reaching the fourth floor. Leorio set his guitar case and amp on the floor and inserted his jangling, colorful keyring into the lock on the old door. It opened, and Leorio picked up his things and carried them inside, Gon doing the same. 

“Hey, Killua, can you get my keys for me?” Leorio called from inside. 

Killua pulled the keys out of the lock and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. 

“You should lock it. This complex is pretty safe, but you never know,” Leorio said. Despite the calm tone of his voice, the severeness that laced it was unmistakable. 

He locked the door and took off his shoes, placing them beside the door just as Leorio and Gon had done. Despite hating his parents, his Japponese mother was correct in establishing a ‘no shoes in the house’ rule. 

Killua stood in front of the door as he watched Leorio and Gon carry their instruments into the single bedroom they shared. He assumed the thing was probably the size of his bathroom, and everything that had been slowly sinking in over the course of the day hit him all at once. 

Gon and Leorio weren’t anything like what his parents had told him poor people were like. He could hear muffled laughter coming from behind the closed bedroom door, and the distinctive thwack of a pillow hitting a body, followed by another bubbling burst of laughter. 

From where he stood in front of the door, the coffee table, faded old couch, and TV were about three feet away. Further down, the wall opened into a sliding glass door that led out to a small balcony, the kind with those white plastic lawn chairs on it. Parallel to the TV, a half-wall opened into a blue-tiled kitchen and dining room, which was just an old wooden table and some chairs. 

The door to the bedroom opened, and Killua turned to look at the source of the sound. Gon stepped out dressed in a baggy, oversized white shirt and black shorts. He had the same ceaseless smile on his face as always, and was followed by Leorio, who now wore a gray tank top with a faded band logo and gray sweatpants. 

“Alright, I’ll start on dinner now. You and Killua can do whatever you want until then, okay?” Leorio said. He went into the kitchen and began to prepare the ingredients for the meal. Unfortunately, he’d had to skip on some of what was usually used for traditional-style _num banh chok_. It was a part of living paycheck to paycheck, and he and Gon had long since gotten used to it. Leorio wondered what Killua would say about it. He didn’t seem snotty, but if he’d grown up eating gourmet food for his entire life, anything he made would be lacking. 

“Okay! Killua and I will hang out until you finish,” Gon told him, taking a seat on the worn couch. 

Killua sat next to him, still quiet. His father’s words echoed in his mind, platitudes about how poor people just needed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work hard. 

“So...what does Leorio do? For work, I mean?” Killua asked. 

“He works two jobs, since making ends meet with just one is impossible. He works at a coffee shop as a barista, and also at a pharmacy as a tech.” 

Killua stared, mouth agape. “Huh? He works _two_ jobs?”

Everything his father had told him was wrong, then. It wasn’t like that was any surprise, but it still unsettled him. Illumi repeated many of the same platitudes, despite never having worked a day in his life. 

“Is that...normal?”

Gon shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t think so, since it’s just us two. Most families have two working adults, so it’s probably a little easier.”

“Both parents have to work?” His mother had married into the money and had no need for a job. She spent her days relaxing and attending conferences and meetings as Silva’s trophy wife, an icon of the façade they’d put up of their perfect and wealthy family. 

“I think so. Like I said…” Gon paused, staring down at the floor, “I never had two parents. My aunt Mito got custody of me when I was two, and then signed it over to big bro about a year or so ago.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Anyways, do you wanna watch some anime?” Gon asked. 

“What?” Killua asked, taken aback by the suddenness of Gon’s comment. 

“Do you wanna watch some anime? My big bro’s friend from college lets us use his Netflix.” 

Killua leaned back against the old, flattened couch cushions. He tucked his arms behind his head, crossing his legs. “I’ve seen a few. What did you have in mind?”

Gon grinned. “Have you ever seen Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood?”

“I haven’t. My parents hate it when I watch too much TV.” Coincidentally, it always seemed to be okay when Milluki did nothing but sit around all day watching hentai. 

“Well, nobody will get mad at you here!” 

Killua smiled. “Okay!”

“You’ll love it!” Gon said as he picked up the remote and turned on the TV. It looked ancient compared to the plasma flatscreens Killua had in his house, but he liked it that way, drained of its trashy elitism. 

“Although you might cry,” he warned. He opened Netflix and played the first episode of the hit anime series. 

“I’m gonna go get some tissues.”

Killua shot him a sidelong glance. “Huh? Is it really that sad?!”

Gon got off the couch and entered the bedroom, calling out to Killua through the thin wall. “Yeah, it is that sad!” 

He returned carrying a box of tissues and placed it on the coffee table, sitting back down beside Killua. 

“You ready?”

Killua nodded, and Gon pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. A Japanese soda beverage that comes in a multitude of flavors. It has a marble in the top that's pushed down into the narrow neck of the bottle in order to unseal it. Back


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings:  
> \- Kidnapping mention  
> \- Implied abuse  
> \- Derogatory language towards a Jewish character  
> \- Harassment by police (based on race)  
> \- Referenced racism

Sunday came, and the end of the school year inched closer. For Gon, the approaching end of the month signified the coming of Ramadan. Thinking about the month of fasting filled him with both excitement and anxiety, as it had both years he’d observed it prior. 

As it did on many Sundays, Gon’s mosque was holding a soup kitchen. Gon was eager to help out, and Leorio had to work his pharmacy tech job. He’d agreed to drop Gon off at the mosque, knowing that a woman who attended the medical program at his university would be there and could keep an eye on Gon, as well as a male friend who he also trusted.

“Big broooo, are you almost ready?” Gon fiddled with the straps of his bag as he stood beside the door, waiting for Leorio to finish his morning routine. 

“Yeah yeah, be patient! I’m getting dressed.”

Gon huffed but continued to wait, tapping his socked foot against the floor. 

Leorio opens the bedroom door and steps out, dressed in a crisp blue collared shirt and khaki pants, accented by a horribly gaudy tie patterned with the colors of the trans flag. “Well?” 

“You look snazzy,” Gon replied. 

Leorio beamed. “Thanks! I bought this sweet-ass—I mean, sick tie at pride the year my dad kicked me out.”

“It’s cool. I want one.”

Leorio clapped him on his backpack-clad back. “When you get old enough to start wearing ties, I’ll buy ya one.”

Gon puffed out his cheeks in an exaggerated pout. “I’m old enough now!”

Leorio shook his head. “Nah, you’re still just a kid. Enjoy your childhood, buddy. There’ll be plenty of time to wear ties when you grow up.”

Gon sighed but didn’t push it. He knew Leorio wanted what was best for him, which was that he enjoy his youth.

“Anyways, you ready to go?” He asked. 

“Yeah!”

“‘Kay. Let’s go to the car.” Leorio opened the door and stepped outside, Gon staying close by his side as they made their way down the block towards the parking garage. 

  


* * *

  


Despite its age, the engine of Leorio’s old Toyota still purred as he pulled up outside of the mosque. 

Leorio looked over at Gon, sitting in the passenger seat clutching his yellow backpack. “Are Cheadle and Zepile going to be there?”

Gon shrugged, “I dunno.”

Leorio’s eyes narrowed behind the round frames of his glasses. “Gon...no offense, but I don’t want you walking around in public without a trusted adult.”

“Big bro, there are plenty of nice adults at the mosque.”

Tears stung Leorio’s eyes. “I know, but…ugh, sorry. I just worry…I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” He leaned forward and pulled Gon into a hug. 

Gon patted Leorio’s back. “I’ll be okay, please don’t worry.”

“I _do_ worry. That’s just what big brothers do.” His heart ached at the thought of Gon falling into a situation where Leorio couldn’t help him. All he could see was Gon’s innocent face crying, pleading for his older brother to help him. 

“Big bro…” Gon sniffled, rubbing at his stinging eyes. His lip trembled as he fought back tears. “I promise I’ll be safe, okay? Like I said, the mosque has lots of adults.”

Leorio nodded and let go of Gon. “Okay. Text me if _anything_ goes wrong, and I’ll leave work immediately.”

Gon opened the passenger side door, stepping out onto the sidewalk. “I will. I promise I’ll let you know.”

He waved to Leorio as his older brother drove away, his beige Toyota disappearing down the street and into a cluster of cars stopped at a red light. 

Gon walked up to the entrance of the mosque, smiling at the man who stood holding the door to greet people. 

“As-saalamu alaykum!” the man greeted. 

Gon waved as he passed through the ornate doorway. “Wa alaykumu s-salaam!” He replied, gaze grazing over the crowd of people clustered at the front of the mosque, standing around a line of gray plastic tables where some members of the mosque were serving food. Those who were eating sat at the same type of gray folding tables covered with checkered tablecloths, their conversations a dull din of unintelligible chatter. 

Gon made his way through the crowd and ducked under one of the tables, popping up beside a woman in a green hijab who he recognized as one of Leorio’s friends from class. 

“Hey Ms. Yorkshire!”

Cheadle glanced at him, her expression shifting into a warm smile. “Oh! Gon! How lovely to see you! You surprised me!”

Gon laughed, “sorry! I wanted to come help, but there’s a lot of people here.”

Cheadle nodded as he said something in Arabic to a dark-haired man who came through the line. “It’s crazy. It’s only 1 PM and we’re already this full!”

“What can I do to help out? I’m gonna be here for a few hours since big bro is working at the pharmacy today.”

Cheadle shook her head, “that brother of yours. When he isn’t in class, it seems like he’s always at work. He’s gonna get himself sick. Also, if you want to help, you can get some of the paper plates and plastic cutlery from the kitchen and bring them out here.”

“Okay!” Gon chirped, making his way into the small kitchen sectioned off by the plastic tables. 

  


* * *

  


When 7 PM came around, Leorio was getting off his shift at the pharmacy. Gon said goodbye to Cheadle and went outside to wait. His phone vibrated in his hoodie pocket with a text from Leorio. 

_‘hey lil bro! omw to the mosque rn, just got off work!’_

Gon smiled. _‘Ok! waiting for u outside’_

_‘Be safe.’_

He could almost hear Leorio’s serious but concerned tone through the short message, and his smile widened. 

A voice came from his right, deep and rumbling like growling thunder. 

“What are you doing, boy?”

Gon glanced over his shoulder, the blood in his veins turning to ice when he saw who’d addressed him. 

A cop. He seemed unhappy, and a jolt of terror shot through Gon’s body. Images he’d seen on TV of kids just like him being choked or shot or assaulted flashed in his mind. 

“Uh...I-I’m waiting for my brother, sir. He just got off work and is going to pick me up.”

Did that sound respectful enough? 

Was he going to get shot? Did he say anything that could be misconstrued as even the slightest irritation?

“Is that so?” The cop’s heavy boots shuffled against the concrete sidewalk as he came to Gon’s side. 

“Yes sir.”

The cop cleared his throat. “What do you have in that bag?” He gestured to Gon’s yellow backpack. 

“Oh, um...snacks, mostly. And my inhaler, a phone charger, and some water. I’ve been at the mosque all day helping out, o-officer.”

“Right,” the cop muttered, and Gon knew that he didn’t believe him, “is that your phone?

Gon clutched his cell phone against his chest. “Y-Yes. I...my brother bought it for me.”

“What’s your brother’s name? Where does he work?” The cop interrogated. 

“Leorio Paladiknight. He works at the pharmacy about ten minutes down the road that way,” Gon pointed. 

A second set of footsteps came up behind him, lighter than the cop’s heavy boots. They sounded more like sneakers to Gon, and he held his breath. 

“Excuse me, officer,” a feminine voice said, sharp and serious. 

“Huh?”

Gon shuffled his feet just enough to turn and look at whoever had saved him, at least for a moment. A short, androgynous person with blonde hair and brown, fiery eyes wearing a _kippah 1_ and a dirty-looking gray hoodie gave the cop a death glare, stepping closer to Gon. 

“Is there a problem?” The person questioned. “I’m one of this boy’s brother’s friends.”

Gon opened his mouth to protest before the realization set in. This stranger was defending him, pretending that ze knew Leorio in hopes that the cop might leave Gon alone. 

“I was simply wondering why the boy is just standing around,” the cop retorted. 

The stranger narrowed zir eyes. “Does it matter? He’s just standing here. Is it illegal for someone to stand on the sidewalk, officer?”

“I’m asking the questions. Oven-dodgers should do what your kind do best and obey officers of the law.”

Gon’s eyes widened. He’d heard the word used before, sure, but never by someone whose job it was to supposedly ‘protect and serve’ people. He knew that whole thing was garbage considering how many times he’d been stopped and frisked and questioned for just existing as a half-Black trans kid.

“And pigs like you should know better than to mess with Jews. I have personal connections with ten lawyers, and all of those lawyers probably know at least five or six others...are you _sure_ this is the route you want to go down?”

“I’m not scared of cockroaches like you. Was six million not enough?” The cop spat the words like venom, but the stranger’s expression didn’t change. 

“So much for protecting and serving the community. Dogs like you should be put down. Anyways, I recorded our conversation with my phone, so expect about...hm, sixty or seventy harassment suits on your desk in a few days. I’m sure you’ll have a great time in court. Judge _Goldberg_ is a great person and a respectable, morally upstanding man.” A triumphant flame flickered in the stranger’s dark brown eyes. 

Gon watched as the color drained from the officer’s face, replaced with a mask of discomfort. He stuffed his hands into his pocket and left, briskly crossing the street and disappearing around a corner. 

“Are you alright?” The blond-haired person looked down at him.

Gon’s amber eyes sparkled. “You were so cool! Thanks for sticking up for me back there.”

The stranger shrugged, “it’s the least I can do for a Muslim brother. I know what it feels like to have people hate you for just existing.”

Gon stared at zir in awe, bounding up and down. “Oh, I almost forgot to ask. What’s your name?”

“Kurapika.”

“I’m Gon!” 

As Gon said that, Leorio’s old tan Toyota covered in scratches pulled up beside the sidewalk, engine rumbling. He rolled down the window and greeted his younger brother with a cheerful ‘hey!’.

“Big bro!” Gon cried as he ran to the car. 

Leorio craned his neck to look over Gon’s shoulder at Kurapika, who stood a few feet away and kept zir gaze fixated on the car. “What’s up? Who’s the cute blonde?”

“I got harassed by a cop, and Kurapika here helped me out! I got really lucky…” Gon said. 

Leorio’s smile dropped, his thick eyebrows furrowing. “A cop? Ugh, fucking pigs...are you alright? I can’t believe you were harassed for just waiting on the street.”

“Mhmm. Like I said, Kurapika stepped in before anything bad happened.”

Leorio looked out the window at Kurapika. Ze was barely visible beneath the dull ambient light of the city. Before he could wave or call to zir, ze’d already made zir way further down the street, waiting for the light to change at the crosswalk. Unfortunate, he thought. He’d liked to have talked with zir, but it’d be weird to pull up beside zir like some kind of gross catcaller. 

Gon went around the back of the car and opened the passenger side door, flopping down into the seat as he clutched his bag against his chest. 

As they made their way down the darkened road, Leorio looked into the rear view mirror to steal one last glance at Kurapika, zir face obscured by another car’s bumper. “Did you thank them?” 

“Yeah!”

“Do they regularly attend your mosque?” Leorio questioned. 

Gon shook his head as he looked out the window at the fuzzy lights zipping past. “No. They’re Jewish. They just came for the food.”

Leorio glanced at Gon in the rear view mirror. “Oh? I wonder if they’re homeless or something…”

“I’m not sure. Probably,” Gon shrugged, “most of the people who come to eat are homeless or really poor.”

Leorio sighed, “you’re a really good person, kiddo. Are you hungry, or did you already eat?”

“I ate.”

“Okay.”

As they drove, Gon pressed his forehead against the cold glass of the car window, staring out into the soft darkness that covered the entire city. He tapped his foot against the carpeted car floor to the _Thousand Foot Krutch_ that poured from the speakers. 

“Little brother? Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet.”

Gon sighed, looking down at his phone screen. “Killua hasn’t texted me all day. I’m really worried…”

Leorio nodded. “I wouldn’t worry, bud. He’s probably busy, like I said. I’m sure he’ll get back to you. Don’t lose hope, okay?” 

He couldn’t pull his gaze away from the phone, but gave a hum of agreement. “Alright. I’ll wait for a text, then. Can you let me know if he texts you?”

“Of course,” Leorio said as he scanned his card to get into the parking garage. He pulled into the closest spot and turned off the car, looking over at Gon. His usual smile had faded, and he stared out the window into the darkness. 

“Gon, c’mon. Let’s go back home and we can watch a movie together, okay?” Leorio placed his hand on his little brother’s back. He turned to face Leorio and gave a pathetic nod as he opened the door and stepped out onto the cold concrete floor of the parking garage, slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

Leorio got out and locked the door, taking Gon’s small hand in his own as they left the parking garage. 

The walk down the block and across the street was quiet, punctuated only by the rumbling of car engines whizzing past. When they got to their apartment, Leorio unlocked the door, watching Gon step inside as the old yellow lights flickered to life. 

Leorio closed and locked the door behind him. He eagerly removed his shoes and placed them beside the door next to Gon’s. 

“What do you wanna do? It’s only 7:35.” Leorio asked as he removed his tie. 

Gon shrugged and tossed his bag onto the floor beside the couch. He shuffled into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk as Leorio went to the bedroom to change. 

He produced the bottle of cheap but delicious chocolate syrup from the fridge, pouring a generous amount into the milk before stirring it and watching it turn a light brown. Returning back to the living room, he placed his chocolate milk on the coffee table and sat on the couch and stared at his own faint silhouette reflected in the convex glass screen of the old TV. 

Leorio exited the bedroom with a big smile on his face. He planted himself on the couch beside Gon. “You wanna watch _Howl’s Moving Castle_ ” 

Gon shook his head. “I like that one, but I’d rather watch _Nausicaä_.”

“Okay! I’ll put it on then. You want some snacks or anything?” Leorio got off the couch and went to the TV shelf where the DVD player was. 

“Mhmm,” Gon mumbled, curling into himself and pressing his cheek against the couch cushion. 

Leorio inserted the DVD and headed into the kitchen. “Turn the TV on, okay? I’ll get us some snacks.”

“Get some cheetos, please?” Gon pleaded. 

Leorio laughed, “anything for you, little bro.” He got a large bowl from the cabinet and poured some cheetos into it. He washed his hands, added some potato chips as well and brought the bowl into the living room. 

Gon perked up a little at the sight, reaching for the bowl before pulling back. “I’m gonna wash my hands and change,” he mumbled, sliding off the couch and onto the floor. He crawled into the bedroom and closed the door with a quiet click. 

Leorio set up the movie and got the blanket down from the back of the couch. He spread it over his legs as he placed a small handful of potato chips onto it.

Gon slunk out of the bedroom, dressed in one of Leorio’s massively oversized tee shirts and black shorts. 

“Clean hands?” Leorio asked as Gon sat down beside him, pulling the blanket over his body. 

“Mhmm,” he mumbled as he took some of the snacks. 

Leorio pressed play on the old TV remote, and the opening credits of the classic anime movie rolled. 

  


* * *

  


Towards the end of the movie, as exhaustion overtook Gon and weighed heavy on his eyelids. As he toed the line between sleep and wakefulness, a jolt of surprise shot through his body as his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

“Ah!” Gon sat up, eyes wide, digging under the blanket and producing his phone. A message on the screen read simply ‘hey’, Killua’s contact name listed above it. 

Leorio glanced at him, a smile pulling at his lips. “What’s up? Did Killua finally text you?”

“Yeah!” Gon nodded, the relief in his voice audible, “I’m so happy…” 

_‘Hey!! Its ok, r u safe?’_

_‘Yeah. I’m fine. I’ve been busy, and I think I’m coming down with the flu or something.’_

_‘Oh no )-: will u be able to make ur music lessons on wednesday???’_

_‘Yeah. It’s probably just a 24-hour thing, don’t worry.’_

Gon glanced at Leorio. “Hey, big bro. When are you holding Killua’s music lessons?”

“Wednesday. I have the night shift at the pharmacy again, I work 5-11, so...probably 3:30. Ask him if that works.”

Gon nodded and refocused his attention on his phone. 

_‘does 3:30 work for u? Big bro has the late shift’_

_‘Yeah, that’s fine. Should I just come to your apartment?’_

_‘no lol we’d get in trouble if we played there. our racist butthole neighbors love making noise complaints abt us even when we aren't loud’_

_‘Oh. Does your brother have a studio, then?’_

_‘Yea ill text u the address on wednesday!! (-:’_

_‘If he works 2 minimum wage jobs, how the hell did he afford that?’_

_‘Lol well btwn u and me it’s not his, it’s owned by a guy named wing who was the one who taught him music. Wing is letting my bro use it for a few jenny a month.’_

_‘Ohh. That makes more sense.’_

A pause interrupted their conversation, but Gon could see the little notification bubble that indicated Killua was typing. 

_‘So...uh...sorry, I guess. For making you worry or whatever.’_

Heat crept into Gon’s cheeks, and he could picture Killua’s round, flushed face perfectly in his mind. 

_‘it’s ok. don’t worry about it!’_

_‘See you on Wednesday, then. I need to go to bed since I have class tomorrow.’_

_‘me too (-: see u on wednesday!!’_

A sigh of happiness fell from Gon’s upturned lips as he held his phone close, slouching back against the couch.

Leorio smiled too. “What has you so happy?”

“Killua and I had a good conversation, that’s all. I...I guess I’m just happy,” he breathed. 

Leorio smirked, hooking his arm around Gon’s neck and pulling him in for a side hug. “Good for you, bud! I’m happy for you. Does it feel good to finally have a friend?”

Indescribable happiness danced like golden sparks in Gon’s amber eyes. “Mhmm! It feels amazing!” 

Leorio’s eyes stung with the threat of tears, but he managed to blink them back. He turned away from Gon and removed his round-framed glasses, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m pretty tired,” he muttered, “how about you?”

Gon shrugged. “I guess it’s good timing. The movie just ended.”

“Yeah. I’ll turn off the TV,” he said, “you go get ready for bed, okay? You have school tomorrow, so I can’t have you staying up too late.”

For a moment, Gon looked as though he was going to protest, but he remained silent. The disappointment on his face was palpable as he got off the couch and shuffled into the bedroom, dragging his feet. 

Leorio laughed and picked up the empty snack bowl and Gon’s chocolate milk glass and took them into the kitchen, placing them in the sink. He told himself that he should wash the dishes, but Gon got irritated whenever he did it himself. 

After pouring himself a glass of water, he knocked on the bedroom door. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, I’m dressed.”

“Okay.” He opened the door and looked at Gon, who sat on his mattress staring down at his phone.

Leorio took off his shirt and tossed it into their shared laundry hamper, putting on a pair of loose shorts. “Phone off, alright? You can talk with Killua tomorrow after school. It’s late and you need your sleep.”

Gon sighed but turned off his phone. He placed it on the floor beside his mattress and slid under the pile of blankets, the beginnings of a smile pulling at his lips. “Ahh...it feels really nice to get into bed after a long day.”

Leorio chuckled at how cute his little brother was as he knelt down on the stained carpet beside Gon’s mattress. Gon sat back up and raised his arms, hooking them around Leorio’s neck and pulling him into a hug. 

“Love you, big bro,” Gon mumbled, eyes heavy with sleep. 

As Gon’s tiny hands touched the back of his neck, Leorio felt his heart soften with platonic affection. “I love you too, buddy.”

“G’night,” Gon breathed as his head returned to the pillow and his honey-colored eyes fluttered closed. 

“Night,” Leorio replied. He got up and turned out the light before heading into the bathroom to complete his nightly routine before heading to bed himself, as his classes the next morning started at the ungodly hour of 8 AM. 

Such were the joys of being a college student, he supposed. Still, he’d endure anything if it meant getting his degree and being able to help others. 

Even 8 AM classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Also called 'yarmulke'. A small, round skullcap worn by Jewish men (and sometimes Jews of other genders, depending on congregation type/personal preference) as part of Jewish head-covering custom. Back


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings:  
> \- drug use (underage)  
> \- referenced abuse  
> \- Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood spoilers (yes, really)

Wednesday couldn’t have come soon enough for both Gon and Killua. The two had been awaiting the day with bated breath since Sunday night, uneasy eagerness brewing like a young storm in both of their chests. With Gon keen on meeting his new friend again and Killua desperate to escape from his home life underscored with darkness, the two had exchanged text messages from the moment school ended to when Leorio made Gon turn off his phone and Killua slunk into his bedroom, addled with shame at having run drugs for Illumi. 

Both of them spent the day resisting the urge to text in class, sneaking messages in the moments between classes and during lunch. They both sat alone, content with sharing jokes through a screen. 

When the final bell of the day rang for both of them, Gon rushed to the bus idling in the massive parking lot outside, Killua passing through the towering metal school gates and out to the limo that drove him home. 

They both messaged each other on the road home. Gon sat with his head pressed against the cold glass of the bus window, earbuds in and his favorite playlist on repeat. Killua was sprawled on the back seat of the limo as he drank a can of juice, classical music wafting through the high-end speakers.

It was 3:15 when Killua got home, and he rushed inside to pack a few things before heading down to the studio. Gon got off the bus at a stop a block away from the studio, where Leorio stood on the street waiting, staring down at his watch and tapping his foot. The uneasiness drained from his expression as soon as the bus pulled up and its doors opened. Gon descended the stairs and ran to his older brother, hugging him. 

“Hey, how was school?” Leorio asked. 

“It was just like every other day.”

“You got any homework?”

Gon crinkled his nose. “Yeah. Math.”

Leorio laughed, “I can help you.”

“Okay!”

“Anyways, we should probably go back to the studio. Killua’s still coming, right? He didn’t bail on us?”

Gon looked down at his phone. Killua’s last message had read that he’d just gotten home and was packing a few things, and Gon relayed that to Leorio as they walked back to the studio. 

“Why did your classes end so late today? Were you hanging out with your comrades again?” Gon asked. 

Leorio hummed in acknowledgment as he slipped the key into the door lock of the studio. “Yeah. I had a Socialist Student Association meeting today.”

Gon watched as Leorio pushed open the door, stepping inside. He turned on the light and waited for Gon to come inside. 

“What do you and your comrades even do?”

“We hold hands and sing _L’Internationale_ 1,” he joked. 

“Huh?”

“I’m kidding. We organize, mostly. Protests, letters and emails to create changes to the university’s rules, for or against certain political candidates, stuff like that. We also destroy fascist propaganda sometimes, along with informing other students on various topics and helping them get union membership.”

Gon’s eyes sparkled with curiosity. “Whoa...that sounds awesome. I don’t know what most of that means, but it sounds fun.”

“Once you get a little older, you can join our local DemSoc Association chapter, if you want. I want to give you time to form your own political views though, unless you decide to be a bigot...or a capitalist.”

“Ewww. I’d never,” Gon laughed as the vibration of his phone jolted him from his thoughts. 

Killua. 

_‘Hey, sorry. I’m running a little late. I’m on my way now, ETA 10 mins.’_

“Killua says he’ll be here in ten minutes,” Gon said. 

Leorio sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, well, I’m gonna set up. I need to reassemble the drum kit, since I haven’t taught anyone drums in ages.”

“Want me to help?” Gon asked. 

“Nah, just get the keyboard and electric guitar out. I would’ve brought our instruments, but I didn’t have time to go home.” Leorio huffed as he assembled the copper-colored drum kit. 

Gon didn’t protest as he produced the electric guitar case from the closet, placing it on the floor. He did the same with the keyboard, sure to be careful with the instruments since Leorio didn’t own them. His mentor, Wing, had bought them as part of the start-up investment for his studio. After he’d gotten a better job through his industry connections, he let Leorio rent his music studio for dirt cheap so he could teach others music in his stead. 

As Gon plugged the electric guitar into the amp and placed it on its stand, a loud knock on the door made him jump. 

He looked up at the door, noticing Killua’s smug grinning face and unkempt white hair through the glass of the door. 

“Killua!” Gon gasped as he ran to the door and opened it. 

“Yo. Sorry I’m kinda late, my stupid mom kept me,” Killua muttered as he rolled his eyes. 

“It’s okay! Don’t worry. Big bro and I had to set up the instruments anyways,” Gon reassured.

Killua stepped through the doorway and shut the door behind him. He placed his skateboard on the floor, glancing around the small but tastefully decorated studio. 

“Should I take off my shoes?” He asked, making note of the ornate patterned rug spread across the floor as a form of soundproofing. 

Leorio rose to his feet and sighed as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. “Hey. You can take your shoes off if you want, but you don’t have to.”

Happiness danced in Killua’s eyes when he noticed the drum set, and his breath caught in his throat. 

“It’s the real thing, huh?”

Gon laughed, “you saw them at the music store, remember?” 

“It’s not the same. I couldn’t play those ones. This one’s the real thing...I actually get to feel the drumsticks in my hands and the hydraulics pulsing through me…” he breathed. 

Leorio smiled. “Wanna try?”

“Hell yeah!” Killua swung his bag off his shoulder and dropped it onto the floor as he ran over to where Leorio had set up the drums. 

When he was close enough to touch them, he did. His fingers caressed the cool, sparkly metal. There were a couple scratches on it, and it was obvious that the thing was secondhand, but he didn’t care. 

“It’s amazing…”

“Don’t get too attached,” Leorio reminded. “It’s not mine, so I can’t let you have it even if you fall in love with it.”

Killua sat down on the stool, and tears burned his eyes. His lower lip trembled as he fought back the oncoming wave of emotion. He grabbed the drumsticks, his hands shaking as the smooth grain of the wood pressed against his sweaty palms. 

“Here,” Leorio took Killua’s hand and repositioned the drumstick, “try it like this. Let the stick bounce a little when you hit it; don’t hold it so tight.”

“Right,” Killua nodded.

“Go ahead. This space is soundproof, so nobody will hear you.”

Adrenaline shot through his veins as he struck the surface of the drum, a loud kick making him shudder. 

“Whoa…” 

“I forgot to mention that it’s loud. Most drummers wear headphones because of that. I have some I can let you borrow, if you want,” Leorio said. 

Killua looked over at him and nodded. “Yeah, I wanna test it out more, but I’m pretty sure my parents will kill me if I lose all my hearing by the time I’m 20.”

“Alright. I’ll get them.” Leorio went to the closet and produced a pair of large headphones, handing them to Killua. 

“Awesome. Now I can do what I want,” he said as he put the headphones on and drowned out all the sound in the room except the giddy pounding of his heart in his ears. 

He placed his foot on the pedal and pushed down, a thick, heavy kick rumbling through his body. 

“That’s insane!” His grin spread even further as he tapped one of his drumsticks against the cymbal, the pleasant, sharp sound piercing straight to his heart. 

He realized he’d made the right choice, and tears rolled freely down his pale cheeks. 

“Killua?” Gon’s voice was muffled through the headphones. 

“I’m okay,” Killua breathed through his silent tears. “I just…” he pushed the headphones down around his neck, “I’ve never felt like this…”

Gon smiled. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”

Killua sniffled and wiped his tears with his sleeve. “Yeah...it’s like a part of me was missing before, and now I just found it.” His shoulders shook as he cried, and Gon moved to comfort him, giving him a soft pat on the back. 

“G-d, I feel so lame crying like this, but...I can’t stop…”

Leorio knelt down beside him. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s a normal feeling, especially since your parents controlled you all your life and never let you do what you want.”

Killua sighed as he dried his tears again with his hoodie sleeve, his cheeks flushed. “Pretend that never happened, okay?” He said, eyebrows furrowed. 

Gon laughed, “sure.”

“Gon! I’m serious!” Killua huffed. He couldn’t bring himself to look Gon in the eyes as the embarrassment set in, so painful that it made him want to disappear.

“Alright, alright. We’ll pretend we never saw any of that,” Leorio reassured. “Anyways, I’m supposed to be teaching you. We should probably get on it before I have to head to work for the night.”

“Right,” Killua nodded. 

“Okay, so...the first thing you should probably learn is reading music. Do you already know music theory, or should I start with teaching you that?” 

Killua shook his head, grinning smugly. “I already know, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I taught myself. I practiced reading music every day in my spare time until I could do it perfectly. I also learned music theory, although I was never able to compose anything for obvious reasons.”

“Wow. I’m pretty impressed. Some people take years to master it,” Leorio said. 

Killua beamed and puffed out his chest. “It’s okay. I know I’m awesome and amazingly talented,” he ran a hand through his wild hair.

Leorio rolled his eyes jokingly, “yeah, yeah. You’re amazing.”

“Anyways, I could probably play anything you give me.”

“Honestly, I’m glad. That makes my job much easier,” Leorio said. “I printed some drum sheet music earlier in anticipation. I hope you don’t mind _Fall Out Boy_.”

“Are you kidding? I love it,” Killua replied, a wide grin lighting up his face. 

  


* * *

  


By the time 4:45 rolled around, Killua’s arms and cheeks ached, but sheer euphoria filled his chest like the first rays of golden morning sunlight. Newfound enthusiasm overtook him as he helped Gon and Leorio put the instruments away. 

After the studio had been returned to its previous state, Leorio took a few moments to admire the quick work the three of them had made. 

“We cleaned it really fast, huh?” Gon asked. 

“Mhmm,” Leorio nodded. “Thanks to Killua.”

Still beaming, Killua looked up at Leorio. “When can we do this again?”

“Well, I’m teaching another student tomorrow, and right after that I’m working the eight-hour night shift at my barista job.” 

Killua’s smile dropped. Leorio already seemed exhausted, yet he was still going to work? Not to mention the fact that he had to cram classes, a music lesson, and an eight-hour shift into a single day. 

Something about that didn’t feel right, and Killua wondered if that kind of life was normal. 

Leorio rubbed his temples, a stress headache coming on. “My work schedule is pretty erratic, unfortunately. I have to plan lessons around that instead of the other way around.”

“You can do Saturday, right?” Gon asked. 

Leorio narrowed his eyes as he looked down at Gon. “No way, little bro. Saturdays are our special time together.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m happy to give up a little bit of our special day so you can teach Killua. Besides, I like hanging out together and playing my keyboard. It’s fun!” Gon told him. 

“Are you sure?”

Gon gave a hum of agreement. “I am! It’s okay, really.”

“Alright. Is Saturday okay with you, Killua?”

Killua nodded. “It’s fine, yeah. My parents usually let me do whatever I want, but I’ll let you know if something comes up. What time should we do? I’m available all day.”

“How about 2-4? Does that work?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, cool.” Leorio picked up his bag from its place on the floor, slinging it over his shoulder. “Anyways, I have to leave. Gon, take a taxi _straight_ home and call or text me when you get there.”

Gon nodded. “Okay.”

Killua sighed as he put his shoes back on. He watched as Leorio opened the door, glancing over his shoulder at the boys. “Oh! Don’t forget to lock the door, okay?”

“Kay!”

Leorio shut the door behind him and made his way down the street towards the crosswalk. 

Killua looked at Gon. “I can get you a taxi back to your place if you want.”

“Huh? No, you don’t have to.”

“I want to. Let me,” Killua shook his head.

“Okay, okay,” Gon said, putting on his sneakers and backpack as he watched Killua do the same. 

They left, Gon locking the door behind him as he closed it and heard the satisfying click of the lock settling into place. 

Killua raised his arm into the air and waved his hand in the universal taxi-hailing motion. 

“Hey,” Gon started, “would you...wanna sleep over sometime, maybe? I know you’re busy, but...I’ve never had a sleepover, and I want to have one before I’m too old and it becomes weird.”

A soft flush crept into Killua’s cheeks. “A sleepover? I guess it’d be okay.”

“Not like my parents care about what happens to me anyways,” he added under his breath. Still, he had enough sense to know they’d be pissed if he didn’t come home for a few days. 

“I could probably stay for one night,” he said.

Gon smiled. “Cool! You wanna stay over Friday night?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll come to your place after school.”

A taxi pulled up in front of them, and Killua opened the back door, climbing in and motioning for Gon to sit beside him. He got in and placed his bag on the floor.

“Yay! I’m excited. Maybe we can go back to the music store and you can get a drum set.”

“That’d be awesome.” Killua told the taxi driver to drop them off in front of Gon’s apartment complex, and he leaned back against the soft leather seat watching the city zoom past outside. 

The cab pulled to a stop on the street outside of Gon’s complex. 

“This is your stop,” the driver said. 

Gon smiled and opened the door. “Thanks! Bye Killua, see you on Saturday! Text me, okay?”

“Okay.”

Gon grabbed his bag and ascended the stairs to his complex, unlocking the door. He stood in the doorway and watched as the cab drove away, the happiness in his chest dissipating. 

He already missed Killua. 

He sighed as he closed and locked the door, the furniture shrouded in the gray darkness of the unlit apartment. 

How was Saturday so far away? 

Gon ended up eating a turkey sandwich for dinner as he read a book he couldn’t focus on for class, phone beside him on the couch as he awaited a message from Killua. He’d texted him earlier, but he had yet to receive a reply. 

Beside him, a vibration pierced the heavy silence. Happiness flashed in Gon’s eyes and he reached for his phone.

  


* * *

  


Killua buried himself under the thick, fluffy blankets of his bed, phone in hand. 

_‘Hey. Sorry. My older brother wanted to know where I was. He’s kind of a freak.’_

That was an understatement. Every interaction with him made the hair on Killua’s arms and neck stand on end, and it was all too common for Illumi to belittle or gaslight him. He was determined to keep Gon a secret, since he knew Illumi would do whatever he could to ruin their budding relationship. 

_‘R u ok? What does tht mean?’_

Killua sighed. _‘Nothing, it’s fine. He just hates it when I make friends.’_

_‘thats awful...im so sorry )-:’_

_'Don’t worry. What are you doing rn?’_

He remembered he should be working on his homework and slid out of bed reluctantly, fetching it and his thick textbook and returning to his bed. Several moments passed as he stared down at the mess of letters and numbers on the page.

He had to do it. If his GPA fell below a 4.2, he’d never hear the end of it from his father about how disappointed he was, and his mother would get Milluki to rough him up. 

_‘reading a book for class. its so boring.’_

_'What book?’_

‘The Great Gatsby.’

Killua cringed. That _was_ boring. He’d read all the classics, obviously. His parents and teachers wanted him to be ‘cultured’, whatever that meant. 

Fuck culture. He wanted to be his own person, and he was determined to become that.

_‘That book is really boring. Being rich isn’t like that at all.’_

_‘its really white lol’_

He laughed at that, placing his phone atop his comforter and starting on his math. 

_‘That’s par for the course, unfortunately._

_‘im not bored talking to you (-:’_

Heat bloomed in Killua’s cheeks, burning beneath his skin. 

Why did Gon say such an embarrassing thing so shamelessly?

He wanted to ask; his fingers hovered over the keyboard on his phone, but he remained frozen. What was he supposed to say?

_‘haha, I’m glad.’_

Why did he say something so stupid? 

  


* * *

  


Friday came, and Killua’s body buzzed with anxious anticipation the entire day until he arrived at apartment 405. He and Gon watched more Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, and the two used up an entire box of tissues between them. When they’d been to the Azian market earlier in the week, Leorio had bought an obscene amount of rice noodles, so he cooked halal _khao piak sen_ 2, a comforting and delicious dish from his father’s side of the family. According to him, his parents had crossed the borders of their neighboring countries to marry.

He still found himself shocked by the warmth at the table, Gon and Leorio filling the air with playful banter and laughter like a loving embrace he’d never known. 

He wondered if this was how it was supposed to be. 

After dinner, Leorio let them eat ice cream. Killua’s parents were very strict about him eating sweets. They’d always say how he shouldn’t eat desserts lest he become fat. 

Whilst Leorio washed dishes, Gon and Killua played a few rounds of Smash before bed. 

When it came time to sleep, Killua and Gon bickered over the sleeping arrangements. Leorio scolded both of them and slept on the couch as if he’d just broken up with a bad ex-lover, Killua sleeping in Leorio’s bed and Gon on his mattress. 

“Hey, Killua, are you still awake?” Gon whispered into the darkness. 

“Yeah.”

“Did you have fun today?” 

Killua stared up at the darkness of the ceiling. “Mhmm. It was really fun. My parents almost never let me eat sweets or desserts, so it was awesome getting to eat ice cream after dinner. Leorio’s a surprisingly good cook too. I didn’t really expect that after the catastrophe last time,” he laughed. “Did you have fun?”

“I did! Hanging out with you is always fun, Killua!” Gon said. 

Killua was glad Gon couldn’t see him blushing under the cover of darkness. 

Eager to change the topic, he decided to bring up Fullmetal Alchemist. “G-d, I’m so sad Hughes died. It didn’t help that they rubbed how distraught his wife and daughter were in our faces after.”

“I know, right? It was even worse how Ed and Al found out…” Gon sniffled at the thought, tears burning his eyes. 

“That whole arc was just generally so depressing.”

“Don’t worry, it gets better for a little while,” Gon said. 

Killua shook his head, despite knowing Gon couldn’t see him. “Don’t say that, please. I can’t deal with any more sadness.”

Gon laughed. “Okay, okay. I won’t say anything else.”

Killua breathed a small sigh of relief. 

“So, did you get your parents to give you money for the drum set?” Gon questioned. 

“I took cash off my debit card. If they ask, I’ll just make something up,” Killua said as he pressed his cheek against Leorio’s fluffy pillow. 

“Whoa, you have a debit card? I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised…”

“Yeah. My parents give me a weekly allowance on a card, since I don’t like carrying a ton of cash around. I only ever carry about $50 on me, which definitely isn’t enough for a drum set.”

“Allowance? Like they give you free money?” Gon asked. He didn’t get one, since Leorio barely made enough money to afford rent and food. Everything else went to the activities they did together, savings, or other expenses. 

“Sort of. It’s to help teach you to be responsible with money. It’s kind of stupid, and I just donate most of it to charity and put the rest into savings and only take out what I absolutely need to buy stuff like clothes or whatever,” Killua explained. 

“Oh…” that sounded amazing. 

“If uh...you or Leorio ever need any money…” Killua cleared his throat. 

“I’ll let you know, but we’re okay right now, you don’t have to give us money. Thanks, Killua. You’re a really good friend.”

Tears stung the corner of Killua’s eyes, and he chewed his bottom lip as a quiet sob rose up into his throat. 

“You’re welcome,” was all he could manage, his voice cracking as he spoke. 

“I’m sleepy. Good night, Killua!” Gon murmured as his sleep-heavy eyes fluttered closed. 

“G’night, Gon,” Killua replied as he dabbed at his tears with his shirt. “Sleep well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. A well-known Socialist/leftist anthem. Back
> 
> 2\. A Laotian rice noodle soup seen as comfort food by many; the equivalent of chicken soup found in many other cultures. Back


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning(s):  
> \- referenced underage drug use

“Alright, that was really good. You’re already sounding much better.” Leorio placed his hand on Killua’s shoulder as he complimented him. 

“You’d think drums would be easy, but…” Killua muttered. 

Leorio’s eyebrows furrowed, “do you not want to play? It’s okay if you want to pick a different instrument.”

Killua shook his head with fervor. “No, I’m positive I want drums. I’m just saying it’s surprisingly difficult to get the timing just right, along with the right sound.”

“Anyone can hit a hollow tube with some sticks. Good drumming takes even the most talented people months of training,” Leorio reminded. 

Killua’s eyes narrowed, a blue flame of determination burning within them. “I’ll work as hard as I can, then. I’m serious about the band thing, by the way.”

Taken aback, Leorio folded his arms across his chest. “I’m not sure...a band is a big commitment. Even if it’s just a casual thing, I work a lot and am going to school full-time.”

“You can drop out.”

“Huh?! Are you crazy?! I’m not dropping out!”

Gon glanced up from his music. “You know...Killua might be onto something.”

Leorio gasped, “Gon?! You too?! No, I’m not quitting medical school.”

“No, you don’t have to. I just...imagine, theoretically...if, by some miracle, our band were to get popular…” Gon fiddled with the crumpled edge of his sheet music.

“Oh...you think Ging might notice us?”

Gon nodded. “Yeah. I know it’s silly, but...it’s not like I can get Ging’s attention any other way. I mean, the cost of backstage tickets is in the thousands.”

Leorio sighed. “You two should take some time to think about it. Like I said, it takes a lot of commitment. Besides,” he looked at Killua, “you aren’t ready yet. My guitar skills are pretty rusty too.”

“Huh?! What do you mean I’m not ready, old man?!” Killua huffed, his face hot with anger and embarrassment. 

“You’ve only been playing for a day. You can reach even greater heights if you play more.”

Killua sighed as he flopped back down onto his stool. “Fine.”

“Let’s keep practicing. We can go to the music store after, okay?” Leorio said, and Gon laughed. 

“C’mon, Killua. We can play together! If you don’t like the music big bro printed, I rewrote one of my songs with a drum line so you can play it!” 

“Hey! What’s wrong with Bring Me The Horizon?” Leorio questioned, doing his best to stifle a laugh. 

“Nothing! I just really wanna hear R.P.S with drums behind it...and Killua is gonna be my test subject!” Gon chuckled darkly. 

“I’ll gladly do it! Anything to improve my skills.”

Gon grinned. “Awesome! Here’s the music, let’s play. Big bro, you too. It’s not R.P.S without your guitar.”

Leorio smiled and patted Gon on the back. “Hey, your keyboard is what carries the song.”

“No way! My keyboard is the backing to your guitar! It’s so strong that it makes the song worth listening to!” Gon retorted. 

“Okay, okay. I’m sure you both sound good. Let’s just play it, and I’ll add my drum part,” Killua said. “Oh...by the way, I won’t have to sing, will I?” 

“Huh? Oh, no. Big bro and I do the singing part, but I can write a harmony for you if you want.”

Killua shook his head. “No way, I don’t want to. I...I have voice dysphoria,” he admitted. 

“Oh. I think your voice sounds perfectly fine! Besides, you’re twelve, so nobody will find it weird if your voice is sorta androgynous!” Gon chirped. 

Killua was taken aback by Gon’s kindness. Who knew such a small act could make his heart feel so warm? “Y-Yeah, you’re right. Still...I’m glad I don’t have to sing.”

Gon laughed, “we’ll handle it. Anyways, I’m gonna start now, are you ready?”

“Ready!”

Leorio flashed a thumbs up along with a wide grin, beloved Les Paul cradled against his tattooed arm. “Take it away, little bro!”

“‘Kay!” Gon placed his fingers on the keys, counting down from 3. As soon as he reached zero, his fingers danced across the keys as he played the rhythm born from he and Leorio’s passion and brotherly love. The sharp yet sweet sounds of his keyboard synthesizer filled the air with youthful cheer as he played the first bridge, leading into Killua’s first drum part and the pre-chorus, a powerful lead with Leorio’s guitar and sultry voice working in perfect tandem. 

Killua’s heart pounded against his ribcage to the beat of the drums, punctuated by the pleasant cymbal sections Gon had written in. He missed a few notes here and there, but he couldn’t bring himself to be upset. If anything, he felt alive for once in his life, without needing any drugs. 

As the song ended, the final strokes of Gon’s beautiful keyboard filled the air. A light sweat covered the brown surface of Leorio’s skin, and Killua was full-on soaked having worn long-sleeves, but there was no chance in hell he’d let a medical student look at his arms.

He’d worked so hard to keep up the façade, and he wasn’t about to let it break of his own accord. 

“That was so fun!” Gon chirped, cheeks dimpled from grinning so hard. 

“It was…” Killua swiped his sleeve across his forehead, white hair plastered to his pale skin. 

Gon turned to face Killua. “You were amazing! The song feels totally different with the drums!” 

Killua laughed, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I know. I _was_ cool, wasn’t I?”

Leorio nodded. “You were! You’re really good for someone who’s never touched drums in his life, honestly.”

Leorio’s kindness sent a pang through his heart. “Ugh, can you be my new big brother?”

Gon gasped and pulled Leorio into a side hug. “No way! He’s mine!” He playfully stuck out his tongue. 

“Eh?! You’re so mean! We can share him!”

Leorio laughed, shaking his head. “Relax, I’m here for both of you. I’m Gon’s legal guardian, of course, but there’s no rule that I can’t be your brother too, Killua.”

“You’re way cooler than Illumi and Milluki.”

“I’m glad you think that. You wanna go to the music store?” Leorio asked. 

Killua nodded. “Yea!”

“Okay. We’ll take the car, since carrying a drum is really awful.”

Gon raised his fist into the air. “Let’s go to the car!”

  


* * *

  


As the three of them entered the music store, Killua made a beeline for the drums, Gon in tow. They marveled at the various drum sets in multiple colors, as well as all the accessories stacked on the wall up either side. 

Leorio went to go look at guitar accessories, knowing Gon and Killua would be okay by themselves. He had no plans to buy a new guitar, but quickly found himself distracted by a familiar splash of golden-blonde hair a few feet beside him.

Leorio cleared his throat and sidestepped a bit closer to Kurapika. He glanced at zir out of the corner of his eye. Ze was even prettier than Leorio had previously thought, with youthful androgynous face, long eyelashes, and nape-length blonde hair. 

Kurapika turned to look at him. “Can I help you?” Zir voice was curt but not impolite. 

Leorio coughed and averted his gaze. “Sorry. I thought I recognized you.”

“Wait...are you…?”

Kurapika glanced over zir shoulder, noticing Killua and Gon standing by the drum sets and chatting. 

“Gon’s my little brother. From the mosque, right? Man, I owe ya one,” Leorio rubbed at the back of his neck.

Kurapika sighed. “It’s not a problem.”

“No, it was really cool of you. I...I’m sorry I didn’t get to thank you. We were rushing, and…”

“Like I said,” Kurapika started, “it’s fine. No need to thank me.”

“If you’re sure…”

Kurapika shifted zir weight between either foot, gazing up and down the wall of colorful basses. 

“Are you looking for something in particular?” Leorio questioned. 

Kurapika’s frown twitched. “A bass.”

Leorio raised his eyebrows. For someone with such a cute face, ze had quite an attitude. “Have you ever played?”

“I’ve been playing since I was eight.”

Impressive. Leorio could only imagine how talented ze must be. “How long is that?” 

“Ten years, going on eleven.”

Eighteen. That explained zir young-looking appearance, then. 

“Oh, wow. You’re a pro, then. I’d suggest something like that, then,” Leorio said as he pointed to one of the basses mounted on the wall, a fancy wood-patterned Fender Kurapika knew ze couldn’t afford. 

“Thanks,” ze said, stepping away from Leorio and continuing zir search. As ze did so, Leorio pinched the bridge of his nose and mentally scolded himself. Kurapika was probably homeless or extremely poor; he was a fool to recommend such a high-end guitar like that. 

“Oh, um...sorry, I didn’t realize.”

Kurapika glanced at him again. “What?” Pride was never something ze’d especially cared about, but jabs at it still hurt, even unintentional ones. 

“Well...you were at the mosque eating a free meal, so…” he looked around before lowering his voice, “your economic situation probably isn’t the best, right?”

Embarrassment shot through Kurapika’s body, turning zir cheeks pink. “ _Oy vey_...” ze muttered. 

“Hey, I don’t judge. I’ve been there too,” Leorio reassured, his voice lacking any of the condescension Kurapika would’ve expected. 

“If money’s tight, then I’d suggest something like this instead. It’s not as nice, obviously, but it’s much cheaper and isn’t bad. It should hold out until you’re able to buy a new one.” Leorio pointed to a dark blue bass that looked similar to the one Kurapika had when ze was younger.

Ze paused to consider the situation. The possibility that this guy might be attempting a sabotage wasn’t lost on zir. Bad luck had followed Kurapika since that fateful day six years ago, and expecting it to turn around now was nothing short of stupid. 

But the air about him was different. There was no malice or hatred in it, no scorn or seething rage or a desire for some self-serving revenge. 

Kurapik told zirself that ze’d just have to trust this person for now. If something happened, ze’d deal with that when it did. 

“Thanks.”

Leorio smiled. “No problem.”

Ze assumed that was that and stepped forward to examine the bass, hands trembling. 

“Oh, by the way...you said your name was Kurapika, right?” Leorio asked. 

Kurapika sighed as zir fingertips brushed the cold surface of the guitar. “Let me guess, ‘that doesn’t sound very Jewish’?”

“Eh?! I’m not gonna judge that, I’m Buddhist. I...I guess I just wanted to know the name of the guy who protected my little brother.”

Kurapika ran zir fingers over the guitar strings. Like any bass, they’d need to be replaced eventually, ze thought, which factored into the cost. “That’s my name, but I’m not a guy.”

Leorio clicked his tongue. “Are you a woman, then?”

“What makes you think there are only two choices when it comes to gender?” Kurapika questioned, tone darkening. 

“Oh, are you nonbinary?”

“How do you—” Kurapika glanced over zir shoulder. 

“I’m trans. What’re your pronouns?” 

Kurapika’s umber eyes narrowed. “Are you the pronoun police?”

“I just don’t wanna misgender you.” Leorio raised his hands defensively. 

“Ze/zir, but he/him is alright if you can’t use those,” Kurapika said, picking up the guitar. It was lighter than ze expected, but it felt much cheaper than the high-end bass ze’d had as a child. 

“Leorio!” Killua called, and Leorio glanced over his shoulder. 

“Big bro!” Gon waved.

“Huh? What is it?” Leorio made his way towards the two boys, their faces alight with excitement. Their voices faded into inaudible chatter as Kurapika returned zir focus to the guitar. 

Leorio, hm? Maybe ze’d commit the name to mind. 

Maybe.

  


* * *

  


“You made a good choice,” Leorio said with a grunt as he lifted the last of the drum kit into the car trunk. 

“Careful!” Killua warned as he watched Leorio arrange the instruments to fit comfortably. 

“Don’t worry. I got it,” Leorio reassured. 

Killua sighed, but said nothing else. “Can we play some more? Please? I wanna test it out!”

Leorio shrugged. “I’m okay with it, but you’ll have to ask Gon what he thinks.”

Killua turned to Gon. “Well?”

“I’m okay with it! I like practicing with you two!”

Killua grinned and nodded. “Seems like we’re all in agreement then!” 

The trio got into the car and returned to the music studio. Killua insisted on ‘breaking in’ his new drum set, so they had the added work of carrying all the parts to the studio. 

By the time the sun had sunk below the horizon, Killua’s arms were so sore that he couldn’t play anymore. Leorio and Gon seemed equally as tired, and the atmosphere had degraded into something less than pleasant. 

“Alright, that’s enough for today. I’m exhausted, so we’re gonna go home,” Leorio said. 

Gon breathed a sigh of relief and took a long sip of his water before offering some to Killua, who gladly took it and swallowed down the last of the room-temperature water. In his state, it was as delicious as cold water from some pompous asshole’s private crystal-clear spring in a foreign land. 

“‘Kay,” Gon said as he packed up the studio keyboard to return it to its place in the closet. 

“I’m sorta glad, cause I’m pretty tired too,” Killua sighed as he started to take apart his drum set. 

Leorio closed the case to his electric guitar with a click, putting it in the closet and locking it. “Is pizza okay? For dinner tonight? I really don’t feel like cooking, sorry.”

Gon’s eyes sparkled. “Yeah! That’s perfectly fine with me! Pizza’s delicious!”

“My parents almost never let me eat pizza. When I do, it’s that gross fancy gourmet kind that tastes like cardboard, so _hell_ yes I want pizza!” Killua said.

“Decide what kind you want when we’re in the car, okay? If you can’t decide, then get something you both kind of like.”

Gon looked at Killua. “Can we get pineapple?”

“You want _island style_?” Killua asked. 

Gon shook his head. “I can’t eat ham.”

“You can’t eat ham? Are you allergic?”

He laughed. “No. I don’t even think that’s a real thing. I can’t eat it for religious reasons.” 

Confusion drew itself across Killua’s face as he picked up one of the drums, Gon doing the same. “I thought that was a Jewish thing.”

“It’s a Muslim thing too. It’s not a problem though, you just kind of get used to it. Besides,” he huffed as he placed the drum into the trunk of the car, “there’s turkey substitutes for practically everything pork.”

“I guess.” Killua stepped back to watch as Leorio put the rest of the drum kit in the trunk with seemingly little effort. “But pineapple pizza is fine with me.”

Leorio slammed the trunk closed. “No. Pineapple pizza is a crime.”

“Big broooo, come on!” Gon pleaded. 

Leorio sighed as he unlocked the car doors. “Little bro, no. Pineapple pizza was created by the devil. I don’t know who invented an atrocity like that, but they should be sent to the electric chair for their crimes.”

“Whaaaat?! Big broooo!”

“Veggie is clearly superior,” Leorio said. 

Gon stuck out his tongue. “Ew, no way! If I wanted to have vegetables I’d just eat some salad. Vegetables don’t go on pizza.”

Leorio opened the driver’s side door and got inside. “Neither does pineapple.”

Gon got in the back, beside Killua. “What do you think?” He asked.

Killua shrugged. “I don’t have a preference. I like all types of pizza.”

“Fine. We can do half pineapple and half veggie, since Killua’s fine with either.”

Gon nodded. “Thanks!”

“Cool,” Killua said. “My parents almost never let me eat pizza. They always say how I’m gonna get fat. It’s not like I’m already insecure about my weight or anything,” Killua muttered. 

Gon looked at him. Killua always showed up in long-sleeved, oversized clothes, so it was impossible to tell how much he weighed. Still, if he was insecure, it made sense that he dressed that way. 

That wasn’t a lie. Killua _was_ insecure, but he covered his arms for other reasons. The thought of Leorio and Gon finding out about his habit terrified him. How much would he be judged and scorned and shamed for being an addict? 

“I think you look fine. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with being fat,” Gon told him. 

“Try telling that to my parents.”

Gon frowned. “Well, big bro and I won’t judge you.”

Killua chewed his lower lip, guilt flooding his chest. Should he tell them?

“I know,” Killua said. “Thanks.”

He stared out the window as shame gnawed at him. Painful, sparking heat burned beneath his skin in his arms.

  


* * *

  


Upon arriving at the apartment, Leorio ordered a half-pineapple and half-veggie pizza. Killua and Gon watched Fullmetal Alchemist until a knock came at the door and an acne-faced college-aged dude dropped off the pizza. 

Leorio took his lactose pills and the three sat around the coffee table as they ate, Leorio and Gon laughing and joking with the same warmth they always had. They tried their hardest to include Killua, of course, but it still made him feel weird to be surrounded by the loving family he never had. 

After they ate a little too much pizza, Gon and Killua played Smash Brothers whilst Leorio did his schoolwork, unable to hold back his smile as he listened to Gon and Killua laugh. 

Minutes turned to hours as the two played and joked, Gon slumped against Killua’s shoulder, an animal-patterned wool blanket draped over both of them. 

“You’re getting sloppy,” Killua teased. 

Gon yawned, his eyelids heavy with sleep. “Mm...I’m sleepy, but...I said I’d beat you, and big bro taught me that a real man is always true to his word!”

Leorio laughed. “That’s right. You’re sharp as ever, aren’t ya?”

Gon nodded. “Mhmm! And I’m gonna win this match!” He laughed, thrusting his controller into the air.

“No way!” Killua laughed.

“Yes way!” Gon retorted, yawning again. 

Killua won, and Gon let out a frustrated huff. “Darn…”

“I’m the video game master,” Killua smirked as he looked down at Gon. He looked adorably content, eyes half-lidded as he rested his head against Killua’s shoulder. 

Heat bloomed into Killua’s cheeks, and he focused his attention back on the TV as Gon drifted into sleep, his eyes fluttering closed. 

It wasn’t long before Killua followed suit, exhaustion settling on him like a coat of dust on long-forgotten furniture. 

Leorio glanced up from his intense studies, his books sprawled across the dining room table. A smile pulled at the corners of his lips as he looked at Killua and Gon. Gon had his head pressed against Killua’s shoulder, Killua’s head against Gon’s.

Cute. 

Leorio closed his textbook and crept into the living room. He pulled back the blanket and gently lifted Killua off of Gon. Gon mumbled something unintelligible as he slumped against the arm of the couch. 

Killua squirmed in Leorio’s arms as he carried him into the bedroom, placing him in his bed and tucking him in. He returned to the living room and did the same with Gon, tucking him in beneath the thick blankets of his mattress. 

“Mm…‘night, big bro…” Gon murmured. 

Leorio smiled as he stood in the doorway, hand resting on the doorknob. “Goodnight. Sleep well.”

He closed the door and turned out the light in the living room, flopping down on the couch and pulling the blanket over him as he pressed his cheek into the pillow.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings:  
> \- implied/referenced racism  
> \- referenced emotional abuse  
> \- implied CSA  
> \- referenced transphobia  
> \- referenced drug use (underage)

What nobody would’ve expected was that Killua’s previous sleeping over was nowhere close to being a one-time situation. As the weeks passed, Leorio would sometimes come home from work to find Killua asleep on the couch, every time dressed in oversized and long-sleeved clothes. The biweekly music lessons continued, and Leorio never asked Killua why there were nights when he slept on their couch. 

Killua was grateful. The last thing he wanted was for an adult he didn’t know too well to go digging into his painful personal life, something he intended to keep private at any cost. 

Saturday rolled around again, like always. School had just ended, and Gon was in the final throes of his Ramadan fast, his 13th birthday having passed a few weeks prior. 

“Ready for another day of practice?” Leorio asked as he unlocked the studio door. 

“Mhmm!” Gon gave a hum of agreement. 

Killua nodded, finding himself in a better mood than usual after having received another dose of the drugs he relied on to function. Illumi had given them to him after he’d delivered GHB to a seedy downtown nightclub Illumi frequented for drug deals. 

He didn’t think having a weird old man feel him up would have been part of the deal, but Illumi promised Killua something he’d be a fool to turn down. 

He hated it, of course, his unhealthy dependency on drugs to make him feel normal. Still, he found himself always chasing the next high; no matter how badly his mind begged him to stop, his body forced him into agonizing withdrawal if he didn’t get what he needed. 

Illumi, being the clever bastard he was, knew just how to keep Killua coming back. It started with Illumi offering it as a reward, and Killua got hooked after the first hit, doing more or less anything Illumi would demand of him to get another dose. The pinch of the needle in his skin was nothing compared to the sheer euphoria of concentrated opium in his veins. Because of his connections and money, Illumi’s drugs were always top quality, not cut like many of the lower-quality street drugs he and Killua sold. 

Killua knew he had to get away. If his organs didn’t shut down from too much shooting up, he’d go crazy from being Illumi’s puppet for so long. 

As Leorio and Gon entered the studio, Killua drew in a sharp breath. “Actually...there’s something I want to ask.”

Leorio turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. “What is it? Is everything okay?”

Kilkua nodded. “Everything’s fine, just...I’m serious about starting a band.”

Leorio sighed, and Gon looked at him. 

“Are you _positive_?” Leorio asked. “It’s a huge commitment. If you’re really serious, I can get you in contact with someone who’s an actual professional that teaches music lessons.”

“I’m serious. Practicing with you two is fun, but...I want more.”

Gon nodded. “Me too. I want to play on stage someday. Please, big bro? You don’t have to play with us.”

“Huh?” Leorio folded his arms across his chest.

An uncomfortable pause hung in the air for several moments before Leorio spoke up again. “Of course I’m gonna play with you. Either all of us form a band, or none of us do. After all, it’s not a band without a guitarist! Besides…” he looked at Gon, expression softening, “I wanna be there with you on stage when you finally meet Ging.”

Gon sniffled and ran to Leorio, wrapping his arms around his waist as he pulled his older brother into a tight hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Killua swallowed down the envy burning in his throat like bile.

“I’m positive this is what I want,” he said. 

“Okay, but should know that it won’t be easy. Training to play on the big stage one day is hard work. Still…” Leorio smiled, “you and Gon both have potential and a good work ethic. I know you can do it if you work hard.”

Killua nodded. “I didn’t expect anything to be easy, don’t worry. I want it bad enough that I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Me too,” Gon said, his voice muffled by Leorio’s clothes. 

“Alright. Let’s practice, then. I’ll get in contact with the person I mentioned later tonight and ask if he can take more students,” Leorio said. Gon let go of him, and Killua motioned for Gon to follow him to the closet. 

As they walked, a soft gasp left Gon’s lips. 

“H-Hey...you have blood on your shorts, at least...I think it’s blood. It looks like it.”

Killua froze. “Blood?”

From what? 

“Mhmm, unless you somehow got ketchup on them unknowingly.”

Killua’s cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment. “Well...stop staring! Jeez…” 

“Big bro,” Gon called. 

Killua gritted his teeth, grabbing Gon’s sleeve and tugging it. “Stop! Gon!” Tears burned at the corners of his eyes. 

Leorio looked up at the boys. “Huh? What’s up?”

Gon chewed his lower lip. “Well…” he cast a sidelong glance at Killua, who looked as though he was about to cry. 

“I…” Killua’s voice trembled as he spoke. 

Leorio’s mouth pressed into a worried frown. “Is everything alright? Are you not feeling well?”

Killua sighed. “It’s not that, just…I…”

“He has blood on his shorts,” Gon blurted. 

“Gon!” Killua snapped. 

Leorio clicked his tongue and rose from his seat. “Hey, it’s okay. It happens to pretty much every person who has ovaries and a uterus.” 

There was nothing Killua wanted more than to just disappear. He blinked away tears as Leorio approached him, kneeling down in front of him. “I know exactly how you feel. When it first happened to me, I was terrified. I didn’t know I was trans then, of course, but I knew I was in pain and bleeding,” Leorio explained. 

Killua nodded, sniffling. 

“Have you been having cramps?” Leorio asked. 

Killua nodded again. “Yeah, but I just didn’t say anything.”

Leorio’s eyes widened. “Huh? You were in pain and you just stayed quiet? You’re crazy strong; I remember the days I’d lie in bed and cry because of how much pain I was in.”

Admittedly, Killua cracked a small smile at that. “I guess. I mean, I took some pain medicine this morning.”

“That’s good. I know you probably feel really dysphoric right now, hm?”

Killua nodded and wrapped his arms around Leorio’s neck, burying his face in his shirt as he cried silently. 

“It’s okay. I know how you feel completely, but what’s happening to you is normal. Lots of transmasculine people like you have periods, and they’re manageable. The dysphoria will also decrease as you get more used to it.”

Killua’s tears stained Leorio’s shirt. “Do you think I’m girly? Illumi said I was recently, and I’ve been thinking about it all week.”

Leorio sighed. “No. You aren’t girly at all.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m being serious. You aren’t girly, Killua. You’re masculine. I don’t think anyone could mistake you for a girl.”

Killua sighed. “I liked when Gon called me by my correct pronouns.”

Gon smiled. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Mhmm. I almost feel like a real demiboy.”

Gon folded his arms across his chest. “You are.”

“I don’t know how I feel about that, honestly. I feel like people might try and use it to invalidate me.”

Leorio hugged Killua back. “They’re stupid if they do; you can identify however you want.”

“Thanks,” Killua mumbled, “I feel much better.”

Leorio smiled. “Well, we still have to do something about your shorts…”

Gon stepped forward and removed his hoodie. “Here. You can put it around your waist. It should cover the blood until you can go home and change.”

Killua smiled, his lip quivering. “Thanks, Gon.” He took the hoodie and tied it around his waist. 

“Alright, we’ll take practice a little easier today,” Leorio said. 

Killua opened his mouth to protest but knew it was useless. For once, he was actually grateful that practice would be a little easier than usual. He could use it.

  


* * *

  


After practice ended, Killua took a taxi home so he could change. Not only did he have to return Gon’s hoodie, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get to his bedroom without being noticed. One of his older brothers or his mother were probably going to point it out, and the sweet, fleeting relief he’d felt with Leorio and Gon would shatter. 

When the taxi arrived outside his house, Killua paid the fare and left as fast as he could, taking the back entrance to get in. He made his way down the massive carpeted hall and all the way to the looming, spiraling staircase that led to the second floor. 

“Almost there,” he said to himself as he ascended the marble stairs, holding his breath when he caught sight of his bedroom door. 

As luck would have it, Illumi’s bedroom door opened and he stepped out, dressed in nothing but a towel around his waist and blue flower-patterned sandals. 

“Kil.”

Killua swallowed back the terror that rose in his throat. “Hey.”

“What’s the hurry?” Illumi asked as he made his way towards the stairs. 

“I just wanna play video games.”

Illumi paused for a moment and twirled a strand of his inky black hair around his finger. “Don’t lie to me, Kil.”

“I-I’m not lying.” Sweat rolled down the back of Killua’s neck, gathering along the line of his hood. 

Illumi sighed. “Is that so? I’m about to go for a relaxing swim, it’d be a shame if you got me angry…”

“I want to play video games.”

Illumi darted forward and grabbed Killua’s wrist, squeezing it so tight that Killua gasped, the tendons in his wrist groaning under Illumi’s iron grip. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me. I’ll break your wrist,” Illumi breathed into Killua’s ear. “You’d cry, wouldn’t you? Mm...thinking about my cute little brother’s adorable crying face…” Illumi moaned, and Killua pushed himself against the wall in a bid to get away from the disgusting feeling. 

“Please...just let me go.”

Illumi sighed. “Fine. You can go. We can talk later.”

Killua knew what that meant, and he shuddered. He pulled his wrist from Illumi’s grasp and half-ran half-stumbled to his bedroom. 

As he closed the door, Illumi’s voice echoed up the stairs. “I see. So my cute little Kil is all grown up now, hm? How exciting.”

As the door clicked closed behind him, he was cast into the sheer darkness of his bedroom, blinds drawn and curtains closed. He pressed his back against the door and slid towards the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sobbed silently into the endless expanse of blackness before him.

  


* * *

  


“I just got off the phone with Wing,” Leorio said as he stepped back inside and took off his shoes. 

“What’d he say?” Gon asked, drumming his fingers against the top of the _Apples to Apples_ game box, cards littering the coffee table beside it. 

Leorio smiled as he sat back down on the floor across from Gon. “He said he’d be willing to tutor you and Killua for a small price. He knows money is tight for us, which I appreciate. The guy’s a true philanthropist.”

Gon grinned. “That’s awesome! I’m so excited,” he sighed happily. 

“Mhmm. It’s your turn, by the way.”

“Ah!” Gon squeaked as he picked up his cards. 

The entire game, Gon chatted about how excited he was to be taught by Wing, the man who’d helped Leorio hone his intense electric guitar skills. After winning the second game of the day, Leorio packed up the game and put it under the coffee table. 

“Can I text Killua the good news?” Gon asked. 

“‘Course you can, little bro. What do you wanna eat tonight?” Leorio asked as he rose to his feet. 

“I’ll be fine with whatever you make!” Gon said. He produced one of the manga he was currently reading, _Mob Psycho 100_ , from beneath the coffee table and leaned back against the arm of the couch. 

“In that case, is grilled cheese okay?” Leorio asked. 

“Mhmm! Sounds yummy!”

Gon took out his phone and messaged Killua. 

_‘hey! hows it going? is everything ok?’_

Killua turned onto his back as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He’d thrown his shorts down the laundry chute, but still worried his mother might notice them and comment. 

He knew he’d had to tell her eventually, but Leorio had given him some non-gendered menstrual products for the time being, which he’d hidden in his bathroom. 

_‘Hey. I’m okay but feeling sort of under the weather.’_

_‘i’m sorry_ -:’

_‘Don’t worry about it.’_

_‘well i know what will make u feel better’_

_‘And that is..?’_

_‘big bro said wing is gonna teach us!!! isnt that exciting?? hes the one who taught my bro everything he knows apparently!!’_

Killua couldn’t help but smile. _‘Awesome. I’m excited.’_

At least he had a sliver of hope to cling to, even when every other part of his life felt beyond his control. 

_‘u sure? if u dont wanna do it then i can tell big brother. he wont be mad.’_

_‘I’m sure. I’m really excited, just tired lol’_

_‘Ok, if ur sure. hope u feel better soon tho _-:’__

__‘Thanks.’_ _

Gon was too kind, and Killua couldn’t help but think about it as he played _Animal Crossing_ on his 3DS. Everything cute and small and green made him think of Gon, with his bright smile and his big heart and his extroverted personality. 

__

  


* * *

  


Killua didn’t realize how difficult the first session with Wing would be. He was a good teacher, but the practice he made Killua and Gon do was particularly intense. He did it all with a kind smile and a soft word, which made him even more terrifying in Killua’s eyes. Still, he enjoyed it. Every time they went to the studio, the both of them seemed to learn something completely new, further drawing out their musical potential.

Leorio practiced more too. When he had time, he pushed himself to get better at his guitar. Killua and Gon were serious, which meant he needed to be as well. School came first, of course, as did his two jobs, but most of his free time that wasn’t allocated to schoolwork or shopping or paying bills was dedicated to electric guitar. Days came when he felt like a candle with no flame, burnt-out and exhausted, but Killua and Gon depended on him. That was what kept him going during the nights where he’d light a cigarette or open a beer only to remember Gon’s expression when he caught his older brother in the act. Shame was a hell of a motivator. 

Two months passed of Killua and Gon being pushed to their limits in terms of musical skill every week, and more videos of Leorio playing his guitar and singing trickled onto his and Gon’s shared YouTube channel. Killua slept over more and more, and one Friday night over bowls of sticky rice, boiled bamboo shoots mixed with stir-fried water spinach, and _ping kai 1_, he proposed his most ingenious idea yet. 

“We might be able to become popular locally if we perform at the park again,” Killua suggested. 

Leorio swallowed his mouthful of sticky rice, meat, and vegetables. “You do have a point. Gon and I do have a few faithful commenters on our YouTube account, and a couple others would always come watch us perform when they could.”

Gon nodded, “that’s a really good idea. Our music will definitely sound way better with Killua’s drums!”

“Mhmm. I always felt like it was a little lacking,” Leorio agreed. 

Killua beamed. “Gon and I have been working our asses off training with Mr. Wing.”

Leorio shot Killua a glare across the table for swearing in front of Gon. “Killua—”

“He’s right! We’ve gotten much better. You haven’t actually heard us play in a long time, have you?” Gon questioned. 

“Not since I stopped teaching Killua. We haven’t practiced together in a long time, actually. Sorry…” Leorio sighed. 

“Don’t worry, big bro. You’re really busy. Please don’t stress yourself out, okay?” Gon smiled at him, and Leorio smiled back. 

“You’re right.”

“That makes it even more exciting. You’ll actually be able to hear how much better Gon and I have gotten. Wing said he hasn’t taught anyone like us!” Killua puffed out his chest in a show of pride. 

“Maybe not since he taught me,” Leorio joked, pressing a bit of vegetables and _ping kai_ into a clump of sticky rice. 

Gon laughed and shook his head. 

“I wish we could play for you right now, but my drums are at the studio.” Killua sighed as he picked at the rice in his bowl. 

“That’s okay. We’ll pick them up tomorrow. Besides, our landlord is a massive prick—er, jerk; he wouldn’t let us play in here anyways. Not to mention the fact that the neighbors would probably file another noise complaint. I swear, they’re hell-bent on getting Gon and I evicted. They even complain about the way the food I cook smells from time to time.”

“Are they seriously scared of a little chili pepper?” Killua snorted. 

“I guess. It’s not my fault that white people food tastes like cardboard. Maybe they should’ve thought of actually using some of the spices they stole from colonizing the entire world.”

Killua and Gon both laughed, and Killua felt more at home seated at that tiny, stained wooden table in that ugly, horribly-tiled kitchen than he ever had in his own home. Even in his own bedroom and amongst his own belongings he felt like a stranger, finding himself missing the warm atmosphere of the tiny, cramped apartment. 

“Anyways, your idea is great. We’ll perform at the park again tomorrow. After all, every great band got its start somewhere!”

“Awesome.”

But something stirred in Killua’s stomach. A quiet discomfort he could ignore if he didn’t think about it. 

So he didn’t.

  


* * *

  


The next morning, the three woke up and ate breakfast before heading to the studio to pick up Killua’s drums, after which they headed to the park where they’d originally met. 

Nostalgia pounded through Killua’s veins as Leorio pulled into the parking area, and the memory came back to him as clear as it was when he’d first experienced it. A smile pulled at the corners of his lips, and happiness filled him like golden heat. 

Leorio and Gon had made his life so much better. He didn’t want to think about where he’d be without them, as he’d been considering attempting suicide for several weeks leading up to the meeting. He knew nobody would miss him. Kalluto would take his place, and his parents would have another child in her stead. 

“Killua? Are you ready?” Gon asked, pulling Killua out of his thoughts. 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Let’s go.”

“‘Kay!” Gon opened the door and stepped out, and Killua followed, like always. 

They helped Leorio unpack the instruments and take them out to an unoccupied stretch of grass with a building close by enough that they could plug everything in. Even as they were setting up, a small crowd began to gather around, their chatter a low din like buzzing cicadas. 

Leorio turned on the mic and grinned. “Hey everyone! We have a special performance for you tonight! Our friend Killua will be joining us on the drums!” 

A few of the people in the crowd clapped and cheered. 

“Killua, Gon, you ready?” Leorio asked, smiling over his shoulder. 

Gon nodded.

“Yeah!” Killua raised his drumsticks. 

“Alright, let’s play the first song we agreed on!”

Gon started the song with his keyboard, Killua following with his drum. As the first verse started, Leorio sang and strummed his guitar, the energy of the crowd rising as the song got more intense. 

Killua watched as Gon’s nimble fingers danced across the keys, his heart pounding along with the drums. Everything faded into silence as Killua stared at him, the catchy melody of Gon’s piano infecting his body with the contagious rhythm.

  


* * *

  


When the small selection of songs they’d chosen to play were over, the people who remained in the crowd cheered and clapped. 

“If you liked that, be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, ‘Leorio and Gon’s Awesome Channel’! We hope you enjoyed our first performance with Killua!” He said. Some of the people from the crowd came up to chat with him.

Gon rose from his seat, sweat clinging to the surface of his umber skin and casting it in a shiny gleam. “Killua!” He called as he ran over.

“You were awesome!” Gon said, breathless.

“Huh?”

Gon smiled, wiping his forehead. “You were awesome! We sounded so much better with you!”

Killua’s heart fluttered in his chest like a caged bird, the realization that it was no longer beating in tandem with his drums sending warmth into his already red face. 

“You carried the song,” Killua responded. 

It was true. It seemed as though for every step Killua took, Gon took two. He was always just behind Gon, struggling to see through his blinding light. Killua had underestimated him, and the realization at just how capable Gon was had come creeping in. 

Killua watched as the small crowd disbanded, and Leorio made his way over, a huge smile on his face that matched Gon’s. 

“You two were amazing! I’m really impressed. I can tell you’ve been working really hard.”

“Yeah, thanks. We worked hard, didn’t we?” Killua looked at Gon. 

“Mhmm! You were right about Wing, he’s amazing too. We couldn’t have done it without him. Of course, I don’t think I could’ve done it without Killua either!”

Killlua’s cheeks flushed pink. “What are you talking about?” 

Gon laughed. “Well, having you by my side motivates me a lot more!”

“Th-thanks,” Killua muttered. 

“Let’s pack up our instruments and go eat! You two definitely deserve it!” Leorio said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. A dish of grilled, marinated chicken originating from the Southeast Asian country of Laos; often served with sticky rice and vegetables. Back


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning(s):  
> \- Referenced drug use  
> \- Drug withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No footnotes this time. As you may have already noticed, I've moved to updating every other Saturday. Every Saturday was just too much for me, and I was getting burnt out with the large amount of writing I had to do to keep up. 
> 
> Thanks for your continued readership, kudos, and all the lovely comments.

As the months crept on, Killua and Gon continued their training under Wing. Leorio had picked up recording and selling his own music to make money on the side after having quit his part-time barista job to better prepare for taking on the formation of a band, and because medical school would put him in debt hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

However, Leorio wasn’t the only one who recognized the potential Gon and Killua had. As he exited the university-owned recording studio, his phone vibrated in his pocket. Almost dropping his guitar, he fumbled to produce his phone from his pocket. He recognized Wing’s called ID on the screen and picked up, greeting his ex-teacher.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Killua and Gon, if you have a minute.”

“‘Course. Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything’s fine. I wanted to say that I think I ought to hand them over to Bisky.”

Leorio chewed his bottom lip. “Bisky? Are you sure?”

“Of course. If they really want to do what they say they want to do, then Bisky should train them.”

“I—”

“Don’t worry about the money,” Wing interjected. 

Leorio sighed. “It’s kind of unfair to make you pay for it, though.”

“Don’t worry. Bisky has connections, so you three can pay me back with your album sales.”

Taken aback by his ex-teacher’s words, Leorio gasped. “A-Album sales? We aren’t even an official band yet, jeez! We don’t have a band name or anything.”

“True. There’s no guarantee you’ll even break into the industry at all, but that’s a gamble I’m willing to take. Besides, Bisky doesn’t have any other students right now.”

Leorio rubbed at the back of his neck. “Doesn’t she only take students on referral?”

“Yes. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Gon and Killua are learning much quicker than I anticipated, and I can no longer keep up. If you say no, I’ll respect that, but I encourage you to think it over.”

“Go ahead.”

Leorio could hear Wing’s smile through the receiver. “Excellent. I’ll refer them today.”

  


* * *

  


Bisky was even tougher than Wing, pushing Gon and Killua past their limits. Despite the intensity, both of them enjoyed it, and seeing their talent develop in real-time was rewarding for both of them. Every session was exhausting yet exhilarating, and Gon and Killua learned techniques that some adults didn’t even know. 

The gap between them grew wider, and Killua did his best to not beat himself up over it. Of course Gon would be talented. He was the son of a music legend. He felt no envy thinking about his best friend’s talent, only a distant, gentle yet unavoidable pull, as if Gon were a planet and Killua were but a lone comet flying through space, pulled in by Gon’s gravity and inextinguishable brightness.

That wasn’t to say Killua didn’t have his own desire to do well, even if part of it was fueled by his desire for Gon to find him cool. Breaking out of the chains imposed on him by his family mattered, as did carving his own path and creating the life he wanted for himself. 

So naturally, their next performance drawing a larger crowd made him both excited and anxious. Neither Leorio nor Killua or Gon considered their musical trio a band yet. The most they did was play at the park or on the streets and other public places. Sure, every performance drew bigger audiences than before, and a few people even expressed the desire to buy their music, but they had yet to perform at any kind of concert or venue. 

As the trio packed up their instruments after another successful street performance, Gon took notice of Killua’s tense posture and solemn expression. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Gon asked. 

“Nothing.” Killua stacked his drums on top of one another, folding up the seat and placing it beside them. 

Gon blinked. 

He didn’t know how to tell Gon that he wasn’t sure how Illumi would react if he found out what Killua was doing. Unlike his parents, Illumi was unpredictable. He would do whatever he wanted to keep Killua under his control. It was easy enough for his parents to ignore him, to let him have just enough freedom to become addicted to it, to have unshakable faith that Killua would come crawling back when things didn’t work out. 

“It’s not nothing.”

Killua sighed, “it doesn’t matter.” Getting Gon involved in family politics was the last thing he wanted. 

Gon didn’t believe that, but he didn’t want to pester Killua about it. 

“If you say so.” Gon lifted his keyboard case, disappointment drawn across his face. 

“Sorry,” Killua mumbled. He felt awful for brushing Gon off, but what was he supposed to do? If Gon knew about what happened behind the closed doors of the Zoldyck household, Killua would probably die of shame. 

“Don’t worry. Did you enjoy the performance?” Gon questioned.

“Yeah. It’s really fun, especially knowing everything I know now from Bisky’s lessons.”

Gon nodded, “it’s crazy how just last year we were so inexperienced. I barely even remember that, honestly. Not only that, but more and more people are coming to our concerts.”

“Yeah...it kind of doesn’t feel real,” he agreed. 

Leorio pulled up in front of them on the street, honking his horn. He rolled down the window and leaned out, a big grin on his face. “Put your stuff in the trunk, boys!”

“‘Kay!” Gon said, hoisting his keyboard case onto the shoulder and carrying it over to the trunk. Leorio opened it and Gon put his keyboard inside. He returned to Killua’s side to help him with his unwieldy drum kit, arranging it in the trunk so that the pieces wouldn’t slide around. 

“Let’s head home. I’m gonna make grilled cheese for dinner!” Leorio chirped.

“Sweet!” Gon climbed into the back seat beside Killua, staring out the window as they returned to the apartment Killua had grown to love. It felt more like a home than the stuffy Zoldyck mansion ever had. 

Back at the apartment, Gon and Killua waited on the couch and watched more Fullmetal Alchemist whilst they waited for Leorio to finish dinner. As always, Gon had offered to wash the dishes, and Leorio accepted it, claiming he’d take the trash out in Gon’s stead for the favor. 

Leorio tapped his foot against the tiled floor and hummed one of the songs he was currently writing to himself as he cooked, glancing up at Gon and Killua from time to time. He chewed his lower lip as the gears in his brain turned, eager to find a way to break exciting news to them. 

“Are you two almost ready to eat?” Leorio asked. 

“Yeah!” Gon replied, looking at Killua. 

“I’m pretty hungry. Today’s performance was intense.” As soon as he said that, his stomach rumbled and heat blossomed into his cheeks. Gon laughed, and Killua puffed out his cheeks in an exaggerated pout. 

“Shut up!” Killua huffed. 

“Okay, it’ll be ready in about five minutes or so.”

“Can we finish this episode?” Gon asked.

Leorio sighed. “Yeah.”

After Gon and Killua finished the episode, they entered the kitchen to eat, where three wooden chairs now surrounded the old wooden table. 

Gon sat down and prayed, and Killua waited and watched as he spoke in Arabic under his breath.

Killua did his best to eat despite the uncomfortable churning in his stomach. Despite not being religious, he thanked G-d for the cold weather that let him cover his arms without suspicion. 

It was getting worse, he could tell. The time between his relapses grew shorter every week, and he found himself more and more often unable to think clearly without being high. It terrified him, but the thought of getting clean somehow terrified him even more. What would Illumi do to him if he resisted his offering of drugs? What would he do to himself if he didn’t have the willpower to resist? 

He shuddered and wiped his nose.

“You have a cold?” Leorio questioned. 

A jolt of adrenaline shot through Killua’s body. “I think, but it’s nothing serious.”

The hesitance in Leorio’s voice was palpable. “If you say so. Lemme know if you have any other symptoms.”

Pain soaked his body down to his bones like a horrible cold rain, but he knew it wasn’t the flu. Even breathing hurt, but over the years he’d learned how to hide his symptoms and put on as normal a façade as he could muster. He’d gotten good enough at it that he no longer even needed to try and act like he was okay; playing that role had become subconscious. 

“Anyways, I have some good news!” Leorio said as he took another bite of his sandwich. “Like, really good news.”

Gon cocked his head. “Hm? What is it? Did you get a raise?”

Leorio laughed, “I wish.”

“What’s the news?” Killua asked, forcing himself to eat more of the grilled cheese. Leorio wasn’t bad at cooking, but he felt like he might be sick. 

“Well…” he cleared his throat, “you two impressed even Bisky. Someone she knows managed to get us a spot as an opening band for a small local venue in a week.”

Gon almost spit out his water. “A-Are you serious?!” 

“Yeah.”

“We don’t even have a band name,” Killua said. “What are we supposed to say on stage? ‘Hey, we’re Killua, Gon, and Leorio’? That sounds stupid, and nobody will remember that. It needs to be something that’ll stick in peoples’ minds.”

Leorio finished his sandwich and drummed his fingers against the table. “Hm...how about LKG? Or some variation of that? It’s our initials.”

“I like it!” Gon said. 

“I don’t know...besides, why do you get to be first?” Killua glared at Leorio. 

“Eh? You don’t like it?”

“It’s just...I don’t know. It doesn’t really leave an impression. Also, my dad regularly services a company called LKG…” Killua gritted his teeth at the thought. No way was he going to play in a band that reminded him of something so painful. 

“Hm...maybe RPS? That was our best song, and I like the rock-paper-scissors theme!” Gon suggested. 

Killua pinched the bridge of his nose. “What’s with you two and acronyms?”

“AC/DC.” Leorio replied. “Anyways, it’s a good idea, and you did your best, but…”

Gon sighed. “It’s okay if you don’t like it.”

“I-It’s not that...just…it doesn’t have enough impact,” Leorio said. 

Something clicked into place in Killua’s mind. “That’s it. Impact.”

Leorio shot him a sidelong glance. “What about impact?”

“What do you think about _Jajanken_?”

“Huh?” Gon asked.

“It sounds really cool, but...what does it mean?”

“I was raised speaking two languages. My mother is Japponese, so I grew up speaking that along with the Universal language. Anyways, _jajan_ is like...a sound effect. It doesn’t really translate well. _Janken_ means ‘rock-paper-scissors’.”

Gon’s eyes sparkled. “Whoa...Jajanken…!” 

“Jajanken, huh? It has a nice ring to it,” Leorio said. 

“So we all agree on Jajanken? It’s not a great idea to decide we want to change our name later.”

“Mhmm! I’m okay with being Jajanken. What about you, big bro?” Gon questioned. 

“I’m perfectly okay with it. Besides, if we end up not liking it, we have a week to change it.”

Gon finished his grilled cheese and wiped his hands on his napkin. “So, who’s the person who got us a spot?”

Leorio leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. “Their name is Kite. They used to manage the popular band _The Chimera Ants_ before they split up. They can also help people get record deals and stuff, and they work on public relations for the bands they manage.”

“Wait, they were the manager for _The Chimera Ants_? Holy shit...their music was amazing. I own copies of all their albums. I was so heartbroken when they announced their final album,” Killua said. 

Gon couldn’t help but notice the sparkle in his eye as he talked about it, and a warm spark burned in his chest as he listened to Killua’s excited rambles. 

“Oh, I know. They were so good. _Two Sides of the Same Coin_ was my go-to depression album for ages.” 

Gon leaned in towards the two. “Do you know why they split up?”

Killua nodded. “Apparently, all the members just felt like they were headed different directions in life. There were also supposedly some problems regarding Neferpitou, someone with close ties to the band, but I don’t know any of the details regarding that. It was never really made public anyways.”

“Killua summed it up pretty well. It’s sad, but their legacy is well-preserved. Regardless, Bisky used to work closely with Kite. She was the one who told them about you two, actually,” Leorio said. 

“I can’t believe they picked us of all people...will we get to meet them?” Killua asked. 

“Bisky told me that they’ll be at the venue for our performance. They want to see how we do and take it from there.”

Gon sighed. “So this performance really is make or break, huh?”

Leorio cleared his throat and averted his gaze, not wanting Gon to get stressed or worried. “Well…”

“Essentially. If we blow this, we’ll probably never get another chance,” Killua replied.

Gon laughed nervously. “No pressure…”

“Hey, we don’t know that for sure,” Leorio scolded. 

Killua glared at him. “Are you serious? Leorio, if we blow this, we’ll never be able to show our faces on a stage again. Besides, when will another opportunity to impress someone like Kite just fall into our laps? Not to mention how Bisky will react if we fail...after all the time we spent practicing until our hands almost bled…”

Gon gave a solemn nod. “Yeah...we can’t fail.”

“When have we ever failed? We’ll do perfectly fine. Still, we should probably start practicing our lineup tomorrow, just so we’re prepared for the venue next week,” Leorio said. 

Killua sighed and rested his chin in his open palms, elbows propped up on the table. “What should we play?”

“No covers,” Leorio started, “it’s better we play our own stuff. We aren’t a cover band, even if we do play a fair amount.”

“That narrows it down a lot,” Gon said. The trio had about fourteen original songs between them, most of which Gon and Leorio had written together. 

“Well, RPS is basically our signature song, so let’s play that. You okay with that, Killua?” Gon asked. 

“Yeah, but if you two are gonna get to play your music, can we play something I wrote?”

Gon nodded. 

“Unfortunately, we only have two songs. There are multiple other opening bands, and the people running the venue want there to be enough time for all the opening bands to perform whilst not taking up too much time from the main band,” Leorio explained. 

“‘Kay. Can we play Devil’s Child, then? That’s one of my songs that both of you know.”

“Which one’s that?” Leorio scratched his head sheepishly. 

“The one we played at the park two weeks ago. You said it’d sound better with a bass, remember?” Killua reminded him. 

“Oh, yeah. That one. All that plucking is hell on my fingers, but if that’s what you wanna play, then we can,” Leorio shrugged. 

Killua grinned. “Awesome. That’s one of my best songs too.”

“Okay, we’ll go to the studio tomorrow and practice. Ideally, we should try and practice at least a few hours every day so that we’re perfect for the concert.”

Gon smiled. “Sounds like fun! We’re lucky to be on break so we have plenty of time to practice.”

“I’m just glad Christmas is over. I hate Christmas concerts with a passion.”

Gon laughed. “I literally forgot Christmas existed. Leorio and I celebrate Kwanzaa because of my biological mom, even though I never met her.”

“Was your biological mom Black?” Killua asked. 

Gon nodded. “Mhmm. Ging, my dad, was born and raised on Whale Island. He’s part of one of the big native tribes there, and so am I. Aunt Mito is too!”

Killua smiled. “That’s kind of awesome. That means you probably have lots of cool people on your dad’s side of the family.”

“Too bad I don’t know much about the rest of my family…” Gon sighed. 

Leorio patted him on the back in an attempt to comfort him. 

“We don’t celebrate anything. My parents say that holidays are unnecessary and a waste of money,” Killua laughed bitterly, “so I always have to lie about what I get for Christmas.”

“Wait, you don’t celebrate _any_ holidays? Are your parents Jehova’s Witnesses or something?”

Killua laughed. “No. Like I said, my dad doesn’t want me or my siblings doing anything that distracts us from the business, and despite our family having billions of dollars worth of wealth, he apparently thinks all festivities are a waste of money.”

Leorio rubbed the back of his neck and clicked his tongue. “Jesus, your dad sounds like a terrible person…”

Gon nodded in agreement. “That’s awful. You should let us know when your birthday is so we can celebrate!” 

“Uh...it’s July 7th, I think,” Killua said. “I almost forgot, since like I said, we don’t celebrate.”

Leorio flashed a thumbs up. “I’ll commit it to memory!”

“Me too!”

Killua couldn’t help but smile, and for a moment he forgot how awful he felt. “Thanks...it means a lot, especially since I’ve never had a party.”

“It’ll be so much fun! I can’t wait for your birthday!”

Killua raised his eyebrows. “Eh? You’re excited about a birthday that isn’t even yours?!”

Gon laughed. “I guess I’m just excited to celebrate with you.”

Heat blossomed in his cheeks like pink cherry blossoms. “Don’t you ever get embarrassed saying stuff like that? Jeez…”

  


* * *

  


For the next week, the trio practiced their songs for as long as they could handle, hands cramping and skin covered in sweat. 

Gon loved it. The exhaustion felt good, in a way, like the tiredness after a long but satisfying run. It felt even better to hear the improved result after every practice, to listen as the notes became more fine-tuned by the hour.

For Killua, things were a little different. He needed to be at his very best, which meant going through any kind of withdrawal was out of the question. 

Of course, he couldn’t convey his desperation to Illumi, but he did what he had to. 

Despite having grown up an atheist, he prayed to whoever would hear him that he would survive, that the feeling of being completely defiled and soaked in shame wouldn’t choke him to death. He managed to do multiple drug runs without Illumi becoming suspicious, pretending as though he was simply giving in to Illumi’s growing pressure to become a perfect puppet. 

He cried to himself as he swallowed the pills in the bathroom, knowing he was playing right into Illumi’s hand. Breaking the chain became harder every time, every time he gave in.

But what choice was there? If he didn’t take the drugs, his performance would suffer. If he did, he was giving in to what Illumi wanted.

Leorio and Gon couldn’t know. Not yet. He knew they’d stage an intervention as soon as they learned of Killua’s addiction. He wasn’t ready for rehab or to explain that he couldn’t even go because of his abusive older brother. If Illumi caught wind of any of it, Killua could only imagine how mad he would be and what he would do as ‘punishment’. 

The thought sent icy terror shooting through his body, and he trembled as the pills entered his stomach. Now he couldn’t go back, even if he wanted to. 

What would happen after...this?

Thinking about it terrified him. He’d have to get clean, and the thought of countless hours of physical agony was nothing in the face of the psychological torture he knew he’d face. 

Illumi. 

Illumi was who he should’ve been mad at. Illumi got him addicted, playing coy and acting as if taking a few pills was something innocuous. A few turned into more, and pills turned into injections. 

Illumi destroyed his life. 

But he turned it on himself, like always. 

Gon knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Are you okay?”

Killua laughed bitterly, and his stomach churned. 

Gon would be so upset. He would be so sad and angry and disgusted with someone he thought he knew but hadn’t even scratched the surface of. 

Killua pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m fine.”

He splashed some water on his face from the sink and opened the door, swiping his arm across his forehead as he came face-to-face with Gon. 

“Are you okay?” Gon asked. 

“I’m fine,” Killua said, ignoring Gon’s intense honey-brown gaze. 

Gon’s mouth pressed into a frown, and he remained silent for several moments before flashing a smile. He gestured for Killua to follow him. “C’mon, we should practice our lineup some more. I want it to be perfect for the concert!”

Killua nodded. “Okay. Let’s practice!” He wanted to cry.

Gon slipped his hand into Killua’s, soft palm pressed against his own calloused one. 

“Hey…” Killua started, chewing his bottom lip. 

“Hm?” Gon turned to look at him, head cocked. 

Why was it so hard? Why did it have to be so hard? 

This wasn’t what he asked for. This wasn’t even what he wanted. Life was unfair, sure, but this...the pain filled Killua’s throat like bile, locking the words in his throat. 

“Nothing. Just...thanks for being my friend.”

Gon smiled, and Killua felt his heart shatter like glass into a million pieces. He lied (again), and the guilt made his cheeks heat up and his stomach roil in shame. 

“If anything, it’s me who’s glad I met you, Killua!” 

_‘Please don’t say that.’_

That was what Killua wanted to say. 

But he didn’t. He couldn’t.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning(s):  
> \- implied/referenced drug use  
> \- implied CSA/incest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for uploading this so late, I'm on vacation and am kind of getting burnt out over this fic.

The day of Jajanken’s first stage performance came quicker than any of them had expected. Giddy anxiety sparked amongst the trio like static electricity. Gon made pancakes for breakfast, served with strawberries and whipped cream like his Aunt Mito used to make. After breakfast, the three packed their instruments into the trunk of Leorio’s shitty beige 2000 Toyota Avalon, laughing amongst themselves. 

Killua tried not to think about how full of regret he would be after the concert ended. 

“Are you two excited?” Leorio asked as he pushed the keys into the ignition. 

“Yeah! I’m kinda nervous though, I mean...I’m shaking!” Gon laughed, looking at Killua. 

“I agree with Gon. I’m excited and nervous.”

Leorio nodded as he pulled out of the parking garage, “me too. I never thought I’d actually play on stage.”

Gon eagerly kicked his feet against the bottom of his seat, bouncing in place. Killua couldn’t help but smile at how cute Gon’s excitement was. 

“Killua…” Gon started, and Killua turned to look at him. 

“Hm?”

Gon’s amber eyes sparkled. “We’re actually doing this. It’s actually real! Can you believe it?”

Killua propped his cheek against his sweaty palm. “It doesn’t feel real at all.”

Gon laughed, and Killua laughed too.

  


* * *

  


Parking at the concert was, much to Leorio’s surprise, easy. The concert organizers had sectioned off an area for band member parking, and Leorio broke out in a cold sweat as he pulled into a space beside a shiny black van covered in bumper stickers from various areas across the country. 

“Whoa. Who’s that?” Gon asked, pointing to the van.

“No clue,” Leorio said as he turned off the car and removed his keys, stepping out into the parking lot. 

“I don’t know any of the bands on the program, honestly,” he laughed sheepishly, “I guess they’re all pretty underground, like us.”

“Eh? You don’t know any of the bands? Seriously?” Killua questioned as he got out and circled around to the trunk. 

Leorio raised his free hand defensively as he lifted his guitar case from the trunk. “Hey, I wasn’t the one who got us this space.”

“It was that Kite person, right?” Gon removed his keyboard case and Leorio’s amp from the trunk with ease. 

“Yeah. Maaaan, I owe them one big time. This could be our chance to break in, especially if Kite likes our performance.”

Killua sighed as he placed his disassembled drum kit on the asphalt beside the trunk. “So we really have to make an impact on them then, right?”

“Essentially.”

“Ah. Great.”

Gon laughed, holding his keyboard case close. “Where should we put our stuff?”

Leorio pointed to a door in front of them, resembling an employee entrance. “Go through there. There’s a big room in the back where everyone is supposed to put their stuff.”

“‘Kay. Killua, c’mon!” Gon chirped. 

Killua picked up the biggest drum and stacked a smaller one on top of it. “I’ll have to make multiple trips. As much as I love my instrument, it’s not like yours where I can just carry it.”

“I’ll help you!” Gon called from where he stood in front of the door. He opened it and stepped inside, glancing around the massive backstage room. It was covered in various instruments of all types, colors, and states of wear. Sections of tape were cordoned off on the floor, marked with the names of bands Gon didn’t know. He found the one labeled ‘Jajanken’ and placed his keyboard case on the floor, a few feet away from a worn dark blue bass and a black electric guitar propped against an amp covered in stickers.

Killua came up beside him, eyes wide with awe. “Look at all these instruments,” he said as he set his drums down near Gon’s keyboard. 

“They’re amazing, huh?” Leorio asked from the doorway. 

Gon turned to look at him, nodding. “They are amazing! It’s crazy to think how each one has its own story...every single one is something someone loves and cherishes, something they pour all their emotions out into…”

Killua had never thought of it that way. For the longest time, he’d seen his drums as just a tool. Now he realized what they really were. 

A vessel. Something that encapsulated all his dreams and desires and emotions, something that was helping him break the chains imposed on him by his ever-restrictive family. It was his path to the freedom he’d always wanted. 

Leorio walked over and put his guitar case and amp in the square. “Wanna go see if we can meet Kite? The concert is gonna start soon. We’re a little late…” Leorio muttered that last part under his breath. 

“Yeah! Let’s go!” Gon said. 

Leorio nodded, and Gon and Killua followed him out the side door and out to the right side of the stage. A small crowd of various band members littered the stage, floor, and seats in front of it. 

“Hey, old man!” One of the band members waved at Leorio. “You shouldn’t bring your kids here.” 

“Kids?!” Killua gasped. “We’re not kids. Gon and I are teenagers!” 

Leorio laughed. “He’s right. They aren’t kids. Also, don’t call me old man!” Leorio huffed as he folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head in disapproval. 

Across the massive room, one of the doors that led out into the hall opened, and in stepped Kite, a tall beanpole of a person with pale beige skin and long white hair. They were dressed smartly, as always, wearing a long-sleeved navy blue turtleneck and a rose-colored ankle-length skirt. Their boots tapped against the concrete flood as they made their way towards Leorio, Killua, and Gon. A couple of people watched them as they walked, since they were quite well known due to their previous affiliation with ‘The Chimera Ants’, a wildly popular rock band with a cult following. Their name was very respected, and many bands would give anything to have Kite be their manager. 

Gon turned to look at Kite, as did Killua and Leorio. They were tall and imposing but not scary, the air that surrounded them more resembling a stern but loving parent than an angry and abusive one.

Admittedly, Kite sort of reminded Killua of himself if he were older, since they had long white hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. They flashed Killua a small smile as they approached Leorio. 

“You’re Leorio Paladiknight, correct?” Kite asked. 

Leorio turned to face Kite, eyes wide. “Yeah, I am.”

Kite extended their hand, and Leorio did the same, dumbfounded. They shook hands, Leorio staring all the while. “Sorry. I uh...just...wow. It’s a lot. Meeting you. N-Not like, in a bad way, of course. You’re amazing. It’s more like, uh...hm...like a really cool but kind of scary teacher?” Leorio stumbled over his words as he searched in desperation for the right thing to say to someone he admired so much. 

“Don’t worry. I understand,” Kite said. 

“Anyways, it’s a real pleasure to meet you, Mx. Kite,” Leorio stammered. 

“The pleasure is all mine. Killua, Gon, you two as well.”

Gon smiled. “I like your skirt.”

Killua nodded in agreement. It was cool to see abother nonbinary person who embraced the fact that clothes had no gender. It wasn’t his taste, but it took a lot of strength to unapologetically embrace one’s nonbinary gender presentation. 

“Thank you,” Kite said. They shifted their gaze to Leorio. “I can expect a good performance from you three tonight, right?”

Leorio nodded. “W-We’ll do our best! I’m pretty sure we could play the songs we picked in our sleep.”

Kite chuckled. “That just means you know them. I look forward to it. Especially given that you have Gon.”

“Gon is amazing. He’s definitely his dad’s son.”

Kite looked down at Gon, who was laughing with Killua whilst squatting in front of the seats and playing rock-paper-scissors. Even despite Ging’s abandonment, a bright grin lit up his round, brown face. 

Kite gave a hum of agreement. “I’ve never seen a child quite like him, even in all the years I’ve been in music. You’re smart to nurture his talent.”

“Well, Killua is also really good, especially since his family doesn’t have any sort of music background.” Leorio was used to people singing praises of Gon and his impeccable musical talent, but he didn’t want Killua to overhear and become jealous. 

“That’s true. His father is Silva Zoldyck, right? The multi-billionaire?”

“Yeah. The guy who runs Zoldyck Enterprises.” Leorio shuddered at the thought of having that much money. 

“Impressive,” Kite said. 

Leorio laughed sheepishly. “And then there’s me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You have talent as well. All three of you do.”

Leorio beamed, his dark brown eyes sparkling behind the circular frames of his glasses. “Ah...I...uh...geez, it means a lot coming from someone like you.”

And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still missing. It was as if he remembered four people, but there had only ever been three. 

Where would they even get a fourth? 

“Big brooo!” Gon called. 

Leorio shook himself from his thoughts. “Huh? What’s up?”

Gon ran to him and wrapped his arms around Leorio’s waist. “I’m nervous. I mean...it’s exciting to think about being on stage, but…”

Leorio smiled and patted his younger brother’s shoulder. “It’ll be alright. Everyone’s nervous. Just play exactly like how we rehearsed and you’ll be fine. Besides, Killua and I will be right beside you.”

“You’re right. I want to be able to play on stage in front of a huge crowd, just like my dad!” Gon smiled, and Leorio felt his heart melt. 

“You will, so long as you keep working hard. Just focus on what you want and reach for it.”

He’d crush anyone who tried to destroy his innocent little brother’s dreams. He already knew he’d have to keep from punching Ging in the face when the day would come that they’d meet. 

“You’ll do great. I love you, Gon.”

Gon laughed and clung to Leorio, “I love you too.”

Killua stood in front of one of the empty chairs and watched.

Kite glanced over their shoulder at him. The look on his face softened their heart, and that painful expression of a lost little boy wandering through the world alone reminded Kite of themself. 

Killua let out a bitter laugh and wiped at his nose, sniffling. “Man...I need to go take a piss. I’ll be right back.”

He made his way down the aisle separating the seats and exited out the heavy metal door. Breathing hurt, but not as much as his entire body ached despite having taken the pills. 

Illumi. 

His slender, pallid, almost sunken pale face and dead eyes flashed in Killua’s mind, his long black hair pouring over the shoulders and back of whatever he wore like a river of ink. 

The only solace he had was that they didn’t look similar. Killua’s face was round and soft, and his eyes were expressive blue and his white hair stuck out like a messy cloud and that was how he liked it. 

Killua spent several moments staring at himself in the men’s bathroom mirror, picking out each part of him that didn’t look like Illumi. 

Leorio and Gon looked similar enough to pass as brothers, the both of them having spiky black hair and brown eyes that reminded Killua of chocolate and coffee and amber and the very earth that all of humanity had been born from, and he wondered if he was right to be thankful he didn’t have brown eyes. 

Small shoulders trembled as Killua stood bent over the sink, painting it with his tears like raindrops against the white surface. 

Gon and Leorio knew, and the shame burned his cheeks so hot that more tears came on their own, spilling from his eyes and down his cheeks much more uncontrollably than he would’ve liked to admit. 

And yet, they were both so kind. Killua could see the concern in their brief shared glances, but it was never pity, and he was thankful. Neither of them said anything about his family or tried to dig for every painful bit of his memory like buried treasure. 

And yet, somehow what they were doing hurt even more. 

Why did it have to be like this?

He should be happy. He was about to walk out on stage for the first time and play his drums for a crowd. 

One step closer. 

One small, tiny, trembling, shaking step, but one step nonetheless. 

He took a deep breath and reminded himself to hang on to that. 

But he could only perform because of the pills. If he didn’t have them, he’d be too focused on how much he felt like he was dying. Illumi was still controlling him, and his grip was getting tighter. 

His skin burned with the feeling of Illumi’s prying, invasive hands, and all the humiliation collecting in his chest made it feel as though he were breathing nothing but smoke. 

He remembered the way Illumi laughed, cold and deep and terrifying, mocking Killua for how he’d do _anything_ for a fix, mixing his name with words a child his age shouldn’t know, toying with his desperation and stepping on the shards of his childhood in the process. 

“Killua!”

Gon’s cheerful voice that was like concentrated sunshine leaked into Killua’s ears from outside the bathroom. 

The door opened. 

“Killua?”

Killua laughed, swiping his sleeve across his face. “Jesus, can’t a guy wash his hands around here?” He joked. 

Gon frowned. “Sorry. Big bro was getting worried, so he sent me to get you. I thought you maybe fell asleep or something!”

Killua felt warm. “Fell asleep? What?”

Gon shrugged and went to the sink beside Killua. He splashed a few handfuls of cold water onto his face and cleaned up, a determined glint sparkling in his eyes. “You never know! I mean, you were up pretty late last night.”

“Hey, Gon…”

“Hm?”

Heat blossomed into Killua’s cheeks, but it wasn’t anything like what Illumi made him feel.

“Nothing.”

Gon cocked his head. _Cute_. “Are you sure?”

“I’m just glad I get to play with you and Leorio.”

Gon’s smile lit up his face, the golden light streaming into his sepia eyes. “Me too! It’s gonna be so much fun. Even if we don’t do well, at least I’ll have had my last live concert with the people I love.”

Love?

Killua opened his mouth but said nothing. 

“Last concert? What are you on about? We’ll do fine.” Killua stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

“You’re right! Let’s do our best! I know I can do anything with you and big brother by my side!”

Killua huffed. “Don’t you know when to not say embarrassing things like that?”

Gon laughed as he made his way down the hall, past the throngs of people scattered about. 

“We have about an hour until we’re on. I’m so nervous I can hardly even think straight!” He said, looking over his shoulder at Killua. 

“I can’t think straight at all. I’m gay,” Killua joked. 

“That’s soooo bad, stop,” Gon teased back as he playfully elbowed Killua on the arm. 

A smug grin spread across Killua’s face. “You laughed. You thought it was funny, nerd!”

Gon puffed out his cheeks, holding back a snicker. “I’ve heard that joke a hundred times from big bro, but it still makes me laugh.”

He loved it when Gon laughed. It was sweeter than the sound of any music. “I’m glad.”

Killua and Gon re-entered the auditorium, where the seats had already started to fill up, the low chatter doing the same as Gon and Killua made their way down the aisle. 

“We should probably go backstage. I don’t see Leorio or Kite anywhere,” Killua said.

Gon squeezed his hand a little tighter as they made their way through the side door that led to the massive backstage area. 

“Oh, there you two are. I was starting to get seriously worried!” Leorio made his way over to the two, concern written across his face. 

Killua rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah...sorry for making you worry, I guess.”

Leorio wrapped his arm around Killua’s shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. Taken aback by the sudden show of affection, his body refused to move. 

Gon’s arms traveled across his back and around Leorio’s neck. “Sorry we worried you,” Gon said. 

Killua squirmed and pried himself from Gon and Leorio’s hug by ducking beneath both of their arms, the skin on his back and chest crawling with the sensation of being touched. 

Leorio must’ve noticed, because he glanced up from the hug and looked at Killua. 

“Are you okay? If you don’t feel well, we can always reschedule,” Leorio said.

“No way. I’m fine, just...nervous.”

Leorio knew that was a lie, but decided not to pry about it. Killua would open up if he wanted to, and pushing him to provide answers would do nothing but force him further into his shell as he retreated away from one of the few adults in his life who he could genuinely trust and who had no ulterior motives. He’d talk to Killua another time, when emotions weren’t as high and there weren’t other people around.

“Thanks for finding Killua. You’re the best.” Leorio smiled down at Gon. 

“Where’s Kite?” Gon asked. 

“They went up front. The first band is going on in a few minutes.” He gestured with his head towards a group of scrappy-looking young people, excited chatter sparking between them as they collected their instruments and carried them up onto the stage. 

After two of the other opening bands performed, it was Jajanken’s turn. Gon and Leorio carried their instruments up to the stage, and went back down to help Killua with his drums.

All three of their hearts pounded in unison under the bright lights above them as they set up their instruments, the low hum of hushed conversation hanging over the crowd seated below. 

Leorio’s hands shook as he made his way up to the mic, looking over at Gon and Killua. Gon flashed him a big smile, and Killua gave him a thumbs up as best he could with his drumsticks in hand. 

Leorio took a deep breath and the mic turned on. Dozens of eyes stared up at him expectantly, awaiting some kind of introduction. He wondered if they could hear his heart pounding away in his ribcage like Killua’s drums. 

“Uh...hey everyone! I’m Leorio, and that’s Killua and my little brother Gon. We’re Jajanken, and we hope you enjoy our music!” 

The crowd cheered and whistled, and a few people clapped. 

“Alright, take it away Gon!” Leorio said, taking a step back and strumming the opening verse to their first song, the bright, electric chords vibrating through the powerful stage speakers. 

Holy shit. 

The hydraulics were amazing, and every hit of Killua’s drums vibrated through Gon’s body as his fingers danced across the keys of his keyboard. Their cheerful yet powerful notes blended seamlessly with Killua’s well-practiced drum line and Leorio’s guitar, deep and resonant but not overpowering his sultry, several-years-on-T voice. 

Gon’s heart raced inside his ribcage, pounding in his ears. 

Killua was enjoying himself too. Adrenaline sparked through his body like electricity, and his dimpled cheeks hurt from smiling so much. 

This was it. 

This was everything he’d worked for. His first step away from the people who were desperate to control every part of his life, down to the smallest moments.

He was breaking away, and it felt euphoric. After having spent so much of his childhood popping Ecstasy to feel even a little bit of happiness, what he felt now was almost foreign. It seemed strange that his brain could produce so much serotonin without the help of drugs. 

A spark of anger flickered in his chest, and he took it out on his drums as the crowd cheered. 

_This_ was what he’d been missing. _This_ was what Illumi had withheld from him all this time. 

It all made sense. 

Illumi didn’t want him to have even a single taste of the life he could have away from him. The spark of anger in his chest turned into a flame that enveloped his entire body. Just the thought of it infuriated him, the idea that Illumi wanted to keep him in the dark about just how good life could be.

Killua was done playing the naïve child. He’d had his first taste of freedom, and he would never go back to the life he was forced to live before.

  


* * *

  


It seemed as though their performance had passed in a single sweaty, adrenaline-fueled heartbeat. One minute, Leorio was announcing their band name to the crowd, and the next he was wishing the crowd a good night as the three of them quickly removed their instruments from the stage. 

As they set Killua’s drums back where they’d been, Leorio looked at Gon and Killua. 

“You two were amazing. I expected nothing less after how hard you both worked.”

Killua smiled, and for once it reached his eyes. 

Gon couldn’t help but look. Killua’s pretty blue eyes sparkled like the midday surface of the ocean back on Whale Island, the surface punctuated by thousands of shimmering flecks of light like diamonds, replaced instead by Killua’s happiness.

“I had so much fun.”

Gon nodded in agreement. “Me too. It still doesn’t feel like that actually happened...can you believe it?” 

“I know, right? I swear I’m gonna wake up in a few hours and laugh at this silly dream.”

Leorio clicked his tongue. “Hey, it isn’t a dream! This is real, don’t sell yourselves short like that.”

“Lemme make sure…” Killua raised his hand to his face as if he were going to pinch his cheek before his hand darted over to Gon’s face, pinching one of his round, soft cheeks and smirking. 

“Weeeell? Is it real?” He asked teasingly. 

Gon snickered, reaching up to grab Killua’s cheek. 

“That won’t work on me!” He laughed as he grabbed Gon’s wrist and pushed it back towards his chest. 

“I guess I’ll just have to catch you with your guard down, then!” Gon retorted as he prepared his hand behind Killua. 

Killua scoffed. “Yeah, good luck with that. My guard is never down. Didn’t you forget I’m already basically famous? I constantly have to be looking over my shoulder anyways.” As he said that, he turned his head to glance over his shoulder and noticed Gon’s arm, grabbing it. 

“Ugh, darn!” Gon pouted playfully. 

“I’m gonna talk with Kite for a little while. We can leave after, unless you two want to stay,” Leorio said. 

Killua looked at Gon, who shook his head. “No, I’m tired. I wanna go home.”

Killua nodded in agreement. “Me too.”

Leorio rose to his feet and headed for the door. “Okay. It’ll only be a few minutes, why don’t you two take the instruments out to the car?” He said as he tossed his keys towards Gon, who caught them in his cupped hands and smiled, waving them in the air. 

“Alright! We’ll pack up the stuff and wait in the car for you,” Gon said. 

Leorio gave him a thumbs up. “Sounds like a plan.” 

And with that, he exited through the door that led to the stage and auditorium. 

“‘Kay, let’s put the stuff away!”

“Right!”


End file.
